Unmotivated

I've really lacked motivation in the past few months and have gained and lost the same 10 pounds multiple times.  I generally do an awesome job with my diet all the way until I get home from school and then I turn into some kind of starved monster.  I'm hungry, so I grab the quickest thing I can get my hands on.  Generally it's not something too terribly healthy...or even if it is healthy...I eat crazy portion sizes.  

One of the biggest problems is that I put calorie counting on the back burner. There were too many instances where someone else would prepare me food and I had no idea what I was eating.  Or I would make something and be too lazy (or not have enough time) to measure every ingredient. AND...I became an expert at making excuses.

I had two days that were great...and then today happened.  It hasn't been awful, but I didn't follow the plan I made for the week.  I need to get past this and not let it hinder my progress.  I need to move forward.

I am a part of a diet bet this month.  I decided that I needed something to motivate me a little bit more.  I'm a bargain hunter...and what a way to earn a little extra cash while doing something that I REALLY need anyway!  I paid $20 and have to lose 4% of my body weight before the 30ish days is up.  Well...I'm three days in and have already lost about 6 pounds (evidence of how out of control my habits had gotten!)  The pot of money is then divided among whoever meets the 4% goal.  I can and will do this...just need those reminders.  

I find so many of the blogs I read online to be inspiring.  I appreciate that they have found a support system in other people.  I haven't found that yet.  I still find it difficult to talk about my weight battles, especially in real life.  People seem to think that I'm doing so great...but why am I not moving forward?  

Being this post has been somewhat of a downer...maybe I should talk about something positive.  Though the scale hasn't been a huge victory for me lately, there have been little things that have made me smile.  For instance...I appreciate that I can wear my winter coat with a sweater on underneath and there is still plenty of room for it to hang loose! 

I also am appreciating my workout class at school.  The first few times I was apart of this class I felt like I was going to die.  I was the slowest, most unable person in the class.  My face was always bright red and I could never catch my breath.  Just the other night I felt WONDERFUL after class and almost considered staying for the second hour.  I guess this was especially special because people around me were complaining about how awful the workout was.  Sure...it was awful...but in a good way.  I never thought that I would be in this place...volunteering to workout!?  Doing this around other people!?  It's funny because a lot of times the bulk of the workout happens in my school gym.  It's the very place (though a different building) that so many insecurities and fears were built when I was a child.  As I was running laps the other day, I couldn't help but smile.  I was having flashbacks of gym class and how I HATED running laps and doing warm ups and here I was doing this by choice.  Yay for positive change!

A First...

So...it dawned on me the other day that I am no longer 100+ pounds over my recommended weight for my age and height!  I appreciate these sorts of victories...even if I'm still 99 pounds over!

I haven't really been following too much of a program lately, but still am managing to lose a little weight.  I keep thinking of the great successes I could be having if I really gave it my all...and then I go for the serving of ice cream because it's been a long day!  I'm very much a time table sort of person...I'll start next week...next month will be different...I'll start again on Sunday...  Well tomorrow starts October!  My goal is to shape things up a bit.  I would LOVE to be at my goal weight by this summer. I can do this...I know I can!

Life has been busy...and good!  I'm a fan of how things are going right now...and it's been a LONG time since I've been able to say that!  I'm a part of some good small groups through church...am participating in a body image life group...and have volunteered to become a mentor for some college girls.  I am in SUCH a different place than I was a year ago...even six months ago!

I know...quite a bit of rambling...but I'm tired!  Perhaps a better update will come along one of these days!

Thankful. Grateful. Blessed.

Life is good.  I'm noticing in different ways each day that I'm not who I used to be.  That's awesome.  There are still many struggles, a binge here and a binge there, but I'm doing it!

Some things I'm thankful for today:

1.  Family being close.  My sister is moving tomorrow and will only be 2 miles away.

2.  The ability to love.  There are a lot of kiddos that I encounter each day that just need someone to love them.  I'm glad I can be that person.  

3.  A wonderful work family.  We might bicker at times, but what family doesn't?

4.  A house to clean (even though I REALLY don't want to clean it).

5.  The ability to give gifts and encourage others.  I'm super excited about something I started at work today.  I'll probably share later...I was so excited about it last night that I couldn't sleep!

Story Time

So...here's My Story.   I know it's super long...but just listening to it has been healing for me.  Sorry about the tracking...I guess that's what happens when your video gets to be 16+ minutes long!

Survivor

I've survived the first 1.5 weeks of school!  It's been challenging...but good at the same time.  I love knowing that I am helping change lives everyday.  It's nice to see the little progress ALREADY in the kiddos that have come to school with so many obstacles in their lives.

Weight loss has been good for me.  I've lost the pounds that I gained after intermittent binge eating and a pulled hamstring.  My leg is SO much better, but I'm still not 100%.  I have some subtle numbness in my foot so I'm hesitant to start running...and even stairs are a little challenging.

People at work have been very complimentary of my progress.  This time it's helping!  I'm wearing "new" clothes everyday from my closet and feeling great about it.  I did stop by Goodwill the other night.  While looking for something else, I decided to swing by an look at the pants.  I found two nice pairs of dress pants that I just couldn't pass up for $8 total.  They don't fit right at the moment...but I'm sure in a few weeks they will be just fine.  Hopefully in a few more weeks they won't fit at all!  I'm turning into a dreamer...and I'm liking it...especially when those dreams come true!  At least now I won't be pant-less when the fall weather rolls in!

Back to School

It's been a while since I've posted...partly because I've been in a funk...and partly because I've been super busy.  I am also injured.  My sister brought over her treadmill to keep here while they are in the process of moving.  I have never used a treadmill.  I did my same running exercises that I do around town on the treadmill and that was a mistake!  I'm pretty sure I've pulled my hamstring...and that is NOT a good feeling!  I know I've used it as an excuse...but it seriously hurts!

Tomorrow starts the new school year...my sixth year of teaching!  It's hard to believe that I've been at it that long already!  Time has surely flown.  Part of me is wishing that tomorrow wasn't happening yet.  One of my biggest regrets is that I did not meet my summer weight loss goal.  I wanted to be skinnier.  I wanted to be wearing completely different sizes...but I'm not.

There have been some victories though.  I started to go through my closet to see what exactly I have to wear in the upcoming weeks.  Though my sizes haven't changed dramatically, I do have some clothes that won't be returning this school year because they are too big.  As I've said before, I'm a bargain shopper.  Therefore, I have several shirts that I bought on clearance that never fit.  They were my "goal shirts."  Many of them fit now!  And then there are some that were super tight that are getting closer to being wearable!  Yay!

Lovely picture...I know!  This was one of my favorite shirts!  It's silky and now almost too big in places and I haven't even worn it yet!

This is another silky one.  It fits just right!

This one fits fairly well.  It's practically see through in spots...so I would like to to be a tad looser through the tummy area so I can comfortably wear a shirt underneath.  This has also been one of my favorites that I've just been dying to wear!

This one has been in my closet for a long time.  It was a killer deal...but never came close to fitting.  It's also in the almost there category and will require a shirt underneath.

I was shocked when I tried this one on.  Just a little tight around the tummy...but not bad at all.  

And my new goal shirt!  I know...not a pretty sight!  However...I bought this one without trying it on in the store.  When I got home and tried it on I thought I was going to have to cut myself out of it!  So tight!  Definitely still tight...but there is hope!

One of my problems is that I'm starting the year off with a lot of shirts...but very few pants that fit well. So...I've got a few pair of capri-type pants that will work for a while as well as some skirts.  I've decided that I'm not going to buy any more pants until winter...unless I find a killer deal of course.  Hopefully by then I will be in a smaller size!  

Hopefully going back to work will bring life back to normal.  I need a constant schedule to succeed!  

Wish me luck!

Loves.

One of my loves is shopping...and making sure I get a good deal!  I spent a couple of days away from home this past weekend and when I came back and opened the fridge...yuck!  The spinach didn't quite make it...that's for sure!

Today I did a thorough clean and tossed a lot of things that have been untouched for months.  That's one of the struggles of living alone and recovering from food addictions...you don't realize how much food you actually have crammed in there!  At present...the fridge is pretty empty.  I hope to keep it that way overall, I think it will help me eat what I have before buying more.  I might just have to suppress the inner deal-maker!

Here is a little proof of the problem that I have...all items bought at 50-75% off...

That's right...a whole shelf and drawer dedicated to cheese!  2 stacks of chunk cheese, 1 stack of shredded cheese, 1 stack of cheese slices, 1 stack of string cheese...and those are just the unopened packages!  Before I started logging my food intake religiously I would eat cheese every time I wanted something salty.  Cheese and crackers...cheese and pretzels...cheese and an apple...cheese and...you name it!  Now that I'm logging everything, I realize what a serving actually looks like...and I'm going through a lot less of it!  Also factor in the sodium...  Now I typically eat one cheese stick a day.  So...I'm thankful that cheese lasts forever and I don't need to buy anymore in 2013.  I will probably be bringing in cheese and crackers/fruit for snacks at school to help clean it all out.  

Maybe I'll show some other shots of the fridge later...I always find it interesting to see what people typically keep stocked.  Right now for me...this is about it!  A carton of eggs...some salad dressings...and a few veggies that need me to go and clean them!

It's Thursday...

Well...I've been surviving!  There have been a few bumpy days!  The cravings I have some days just amaze me.  I know I'm not hungry, yet I eat and eat in hopes of filling whatever "something" that is missing.  I think a large part of it involves hormonal changes and monthly sorts of things...  The anxiety of going back to school in a few short weeks is starting to sink in.  There are many things to be done...and many things that I haven't done.  I wanted to be further on my journey by now...but I'm not. I need to be ok with that.

I went to the dentist today.  It was long overdue.  I honestly don't take good care of my teeth.  I hate flossing, mouth wash burns, and I go to bed every now and then without brushing.  Since I graduated from college, I haven't had dental insurance.  I tacked it on this year...but was paranoid about going.   I knew that some of my bottom lower teeth were bad and I was simply too embarrassed to go...until today.  I was still embarrassed...but went for it anyway.

Today I experienced both ends of the spectrum.  The hygienist was wonderful.  She was very caring and easy to talk to...I'm usually super awkward in these sorts of situations.  She even made a comment about my boney wrist when she took my blood pressure.  No one has EVER said any part of my body was boney!  Haha!  I enjoyed her and she made the process as easy as possible.  The receptionist was wonderful too!  Sometimes they make you feel like you're stupid, but she was great!  Answered all of my questions before I could even ask them.

The dentist on the other hand...still a great guy I'm sure...but there was less of a fuzzy feeling.  My dentist from back home was the only one I had ever been to.  He's the kind of guy that knows you and cares about your family.  He goes to your graduation parties and weddings...he's that kind of guy!  This guy was young...and rather good looking!  He made several comments that made me think..."would he be saying this to me if I wasn't 100 pounds overweight?"  He told me to make sure I wasn't drinking a lot of pop...limit my candy intake...your typical dentist response.  But then he proceeded to tell me to make sure I wasn't constantly eating...to make sure my teeth had a chance to catch up with all of the food I eat.  Ok...no problem.  But then he said it multiple times...like it wasn't sinking in. Hmmm...valid point, no doubt, but just makes me wonder a bit.

Anyway...I survived!    Lots of $ and pain in the future...but this too can be fixed!

So it's Thursday....

• I'm thankful for dental insurance.
• I'm thankful for getting to spend a couple of days with my niece this week.
• I'm thankful for my sister and her family finding a house...that's in the same town!  
• I'm thankful for a lady's retreat that I'm a part of this weekend.  (Will be somewhat stressful because I'm helping my mom run it...but we've made it this far!)
• I'm thankful for beautiful weather today!  Makes mowing the lawn not so bad...

Small Victories

I spent much of today with my sister and niece visiting a farmer's market and a kid's fest in a local park.  It was so hot...and there were so many temptations!

The farmer's market was loaded with homemade breads, cookies, fudge, caramels, and ____________ (insert every possible homemade treat here).  Of course, there were free samples too!  I am proud of myself because I only walked away trying one sample and making one purchase.  They had a local bee keeper who sold creamed honey.  It's just honey...no extras...just processed a different way.  They carried many different flavors including a raspberry honey and a cinnamon orange honey.  My sister and I each tried one and then bought what we tried.  So delish!

We walked around for so many hours doing the different activities that we missed lunch.  I was SO hungry by the time we were done.  I only had a few minutes before I had to meet my parents, so I ran into McDonald's.  I know...not the most ideal location...but I made it work!  I bought a fruit parfait and left off the granola (mostly because I was driving) and some apple slices.  Crisis averted!

Overall, I am proud of my efforts today.  I needed some positive moments after the week I've had!

I can do this!

Thankful Thursday #2

How's that for an original title?  :)

The past two days have been less than stellar.  It's so hot here and I've been so unmotivated!  My eating has been spot on until about 8:00 at night...and then it's not pretty!  I've been down on myself...which requires a few changes to take place in the coming weeks.

The first change is that I'm not going to be weighing myself.  I packed away my scale in another room and don't plan to step back on it until August 1.  I've found so much frustration in the scale not going down.  For the most part (before the past 2 days) I have done well with my eating and exercise.  The calorie deficit was there...but the scale didn't budge.  I got annoyed and told myself that it didn't really matter if I ate a little of this or a little of that because the scale wasn't going to move anyway.  Not the attitude to have...but totally there.  I've become so obsessive about the numbers that I decided it was time for them to go for a while.  I honestly believe that if I spend the next few weeks acting out of integrity, I'm going to see the numbers I desire.  I hope so at least!

Another change is my exercise.  I have not been following my routine at all...mainly because it's so stinkin' hot out there!  Today I woke up at 5:30 without an alarm and decided that I was going to get up and move.  I did the first day of a couch to 5k program.  I have never been able to run any distance at all without feeling like I'm going to die.  Even in middle school and high school I couldn't run the 1-2 minute warm-ups in gym class.  I want to be a runner.

Here is an outline of the plan:

Week	Workout 1	Workout 2	Workout 3
1	Brisk five-minute warmup walk. Then alternate 60 seconds of jogging and 90 seconds of walking for a total of 20 minutes.	Brisk five-minute warmup walk. Then alternate 60 seconds of jogging and 90 seconds of walking for a total of 20 minutes.	Brisk five-minute warmup walk. Then alternate 60 seconds of jogging and 90 seconds of walking for a total of 20 minutes.
2	Brisk five-minute warmup walk. Then alternate 90 seconds of jogging and two minutes of walking for a total of 20 minutes.	Brisk five-minute warmup walk. Then alternate 90 seconds of jogging and two minutes of walking for a total of 20 minutes.	Brisk five-minute warmup walk. Then alternate 90 seconds of jogging and two minutes of walking for a total of 20 minutes.
3	Brisk five-minute warmup walk, then do two repetitions of the following: Jog 200 yards (or 90 seconds) Walk 200 yards (or 90 seconds) Jog 400 yards (or 3 minutes) Walk 400 yards (or three minutes)	Brisk five-minute warmup walk, then do two repetitions of the following: Jog 200 yards (or 90 seconds) Walk 200 yards (or 90 seconds) Jog 400 yards (or 3 minutes) Walk 400 yards (or three minutes)	Brisk five-minute warmup walk, then do two repetitions of the following: Jog 200 yards (or 90 seconds) Walk 200 yards (or 90 seconds) Jog 400 yards (or 3 minutes) Walk 400 yards (or three minutes)
4	Brisk five-minute warmup walk, then: Jog 1/4 mile (or 3 minutes) Walk 1/8 mile (or 90 seconds) Jog 1/2 mile (or 5 minutes) Walk 1/4 mile (or 2-1/2 minutes) Jog 1/4 mile (or 3 minutes) Walk 1/8 mile (or 90 seconds) Jog 1/2 mile (or 5 minutes)	Brisk five-minute warmup walk, then: Jog 1/4 mile (or 3 minutes) Walk 1/8 mile (or 90 seconds) Jog 1/2 mile (or 5 minutes) Walk 1/4 mile (or 2-1/2 minutes) Jog 1/4 mile (or 3 minutes) Walk 1/8 mile (or 90 seconds) Jog 1/2 mile (or 5 minutes)	Brisk five-minute warmup walk, then: Jog 1/4 mile (or 3 minutes) Walk 1/8 mile (or 90 seconds) Jog 1/2 mile (or 5 minutes) Walk 1/4 mile (or 2-1/2 minutes) Jog 1/4 mile (or 3 minutes) Walk 1/8 mile (or 90 seconds) Jog 1/2 mile (or 5 minutes)
5	Brisk five-minute warmup walk, then: Jog 1/2 mile (or 5 minutes) Walk 1/4 mile (or 3 minutes) Jog 1/2 mile (or 5 minutes) Walk 1/4 mile (or 3 minutes) Jog 1/2 mile (or 5 minutes)	Brisk five-minute warmup walk, then: Jog 3/4 mile (or 8 minutes) Walk 1/2 mile (or 5 minutes) Jog 3/4 mile (or 8 minutes)	Brisk five-minute warmup walk, then jog two miles (or 20 minutes) with no walking.
6	Brisk five-minute warmup walk, then: Jog 1/2 mile (or 5 minutes) Walk 1/4 mile (or 3 minutes) Jog 3/4 mile (or 8 minutes) Walk 1/4 mile (or 3 minutes) Jog 1/2 mile (or 5 minutes)	Brisk five-minute warmup walk, then: Jog 1 mile (or 10 minutes) Walk 1/4 mile (or 3 minutes) Jog 1 mile (or 10 minutes)	Brisk five-minute warmup walk, then jog 2-1/4 miles (or 22 minutes) with no walking.
7	Brisk five-minute warmup walk, then jog 2.5 miles (or 25 minutes).	Brisk five-minute warmup walk, then jog 2.5 miles (or 25 minutes).	Brisk five-minute warmup walk, then jog 2.5 miles (or 25 minutes).
8	Brisk five-minute warmup walk, then jog 2.75 miles (or 28 minutes).	Brisk five-minute warmup walk, then jog 2.75 miles (or 28 minutes).	Brisk five-minute warmup walk, then jog 2.75 miles (or 28 minutes).
9	Brisk five-minute warmup walk, then jog 3 miles (or 30 minutes).	Brisk five-minute warmup walk, then jog 3 miles (or 30 minutes).	The final workout! Congratulations! Brisk five-minute warmup walk, then jog 3 miles (or 30 minutes).

I did it...I completed workout 1!  I used my handy gym boss that I bought almost two years ago!  The first time (and only other time) I tried to use it I thought I was going to die and wasn't able to complete my workout.  Apparently when it says couch to 5K I didn't realize that my gym shorts were practically sewn into the cushions and it was going to take a lot more than a cute little interval timer to get me moving!  This time...very little struggle!  I'm hoping that having something very structured will help me stay on task.  I do well with structure...most days.  I'm not sure that I will be running for 30 minutes in 9 weeks...but one can only hope!

Another change that took place was shutting of the Fit Coach on my BodyMedia.  I am tired of being told what to do or that what I'm doing is not good enough.  I have enough struggle within myself...don't need a computer telling me my faults too!  It's not just the negative comments that bother me...the positive ones do too!  Let me do my thing and if I want your advice...I'll ask!  (A little testy today!)

After all of that rambling, here are some things that I'm thankful for today!

• I'm thankful for waking up at 5:30 this morning.  I know that I wouldn't have exercised today without that early start...it's too hot!  
• I'm thankful for air conditioning! 
• I'm thankful for phone calls with my parents.  Our relationship has changed immensely in the last few years...thankful for that too!  ;)
• I'm thankful for delicious recipes and food creativity that make this journey a little bit easier.
• I'm thankful for summer vacation...those days are certainly numbered!

Thankful Thursday

Today I'm thankful that my dad's surgery went well!  He is on the long road to recovery and I'm thankful that I get to be home and help him out a bit.

I'm thankful for a group of ladies that can get together and talk about life, struggles, and the redemption and restoration that is found through Jesus...even if the meeting didn't got as intended.

I'm thankful for my GPS that helped me navigate crazy back roads with no detour signs.

I'm thankful for a comfy bed to curl up in...even though people are shooting off fireworks on the 11th of July at 11:00 at night!


Definitely feeling the Thursday funk today...but am glad that there are so many things to be thankful for!  

Weigh In Wednesday

It's been a good week!  I am down to 272...and that's with eating out twice in the past two days!  I can do this...yes I can!

I have been working on telling my story for a ladies small group that I am a part of.  It's been challenging for me to digest part of my past and make it public in front of a bunch of ladies that I don't really know very well.  I know this is all part of the healing process and will help me move forward in the end...but we have to get there first!  I may post a video of me sharing my story...not sure.  I'm not sure that I want my face associated with this blog...even though no one reads it!  :)

I will be spending much of the next few weeks at my parents' house.  That's been a struggle in the past...so we'll see what happens!  I'm hoping for good things!

Disordered Habits

The past few Thursdays have not been grand.  Though my eating wasn't awful yesterday, I lacked motivation to do much of anything.  I think this came from spending a few days at my parent's house.

The cycle has continued there.  When I last visited, my brother was doing the Atkins diet...my mom was following weight watchers...and my dad was falling somewhere in between.  This time around everyone was off their diet and there were cookies, fruit crisps, ice cream, doughnuts, candy, chips, etc. everywhere.  I survived, but felt overwhelmed and almost isolated.  I showed my mom my Body Media and showed her how I was tracking everything.  She seemed impressed with the technology piece, but thought it would just be too much to maintain.  True, it does get annoying to track everything sometimes, but I also think it's the game changer here.  I felt frustrated/concerned/sad that they had given up on their endeavors...and almost wanted to cover up my own successes to not make them feel bad.

The not bad news (but not good news) is that I'm still at the same weight I was last time I checked in.  The reality is, it could have been a lot worse! It's tough to go into someone else's kitchen and make healthy choices when a lot of the staples in my diet at home are missing.  I think that's where they are right now too...they have healthy-ish foods...but aren't really able to bring them together to make meals that are desirable and sustainable.  

The common denominator here I think is that my whole family has a slew of disordered habits...especially eating habits.  I think they've tried for so long (though not long enough) without results that it becomes easier to give up.  I think we run to "safe" foods because we think they will help us get to our end goal...even if we don't like those "safe" foods.  When you don't like what you're eating...you're not going to get much accomplished and give up a lot easier!  My mom kept offering me weight watchers frozen dinners...  Those are safe to her...and fine if you like them...but I don't like them.  I don't want to waste calories on something that I know I'm not going to enjoy.  

Now...just talking about me specifically.  When I'm home, I weigh everything.  If the serving size says 28 grams, that is exactly how much I put on my plate.  For the most part, I don't see anything wrong with this.  I think it's ok to "train" my eye to what each serving amount actually looks like.  BUT...I have noticed that not having access to a food scale gives me some anxiety.  How do you find the balance between monitoring what you're eating and becoming a calorie/serving control freak?  I'm completely cool with a meal a day or a snack...but when I have to evaluate every bite for days...I'm lost!  

So...today has started well in the food department.  The exercise department is another story...but I will get up and move.  I have to.  

Oh...and based on the recent crapiness of Thursdays...I've now deemed them Thankful Thursdays.  I will be thinking of the good in those days from now on!  :)  

10%

What an exciting day!  Today I have officially lost 10% of my body weight since the beginning of last school year (just under 17% of my highest known weight)!  It's a good feeling to see results and to feel them too!

I've been reading several different books lately...one of them being Made to Crave by Lysa Terkeurst.  I've had this book for probably two years and finally cracked it open.  There are some wonderful truths inside.  It's true, we have been created and designed to crave...but that craving wasn't intended for food.  One of the tag lines is that "I am made for more.  I am made for victory."  I am holding onto this with a tight grasp.  Without the distractions of work, food issues have been very minimal.  Though it's very far away, I'm seeing the light at the end of the tunnel.

Oh...and I almost forgot about this lovely!  Earned this for having 1,000 points on Earndit!  I am so happy that tomorrow starts a new month and a whole set of new challenges!

This too shall pass...

I find myself losing a few pounds and then not being able to break through certain numbers.  Like 282...I was there for 2-3 weeks easily without making it under.  My new number is 279.  It's been so stubborn...and I've become impatient.  I had a few bad days last week where I binged and ate just to eat.  I got frustrated with the scale and allowed food to control me.  The other thing that frustrated me was not actually meeting the necessary point requirements for Earndit.  They showed up that night, but the next day, the points were gone!  I know that my dedication to the process was almost becoming an idol in my life...an idol that I wasn't able to serve when I went back to work for a week.

The good news is that I get fresh starts!  Saturday I laced up my sneakers and got in an awesome walk. My food choices have been solid...I'm back on track.  Hopefully the scale will reflect my efforts and I'll be on my merry way again.

I have noticed a difference in my skin...it's starting to hang loose a tad and I've only lost 50 pounds.  I can't imagine what my body will look like when this is all said and done...I just hope and pray that I will not allow that fear to hold me back.  I feel so much better now that I'm more active and I'm eating better foods.  I've read many stories of people who have fought the good fight only to put all of the weight back on.  I can't do that.  I've started to go through some of my clothes.  Part of me wants to keep the stuff because I love it...but the other part of me knows that that is just one more excuse to eat that bag of chips or piece of cake.

It's not happening as fast as I'd like it to...but life change is indeed happening!

Double Edged Swords

The past few days have been filled with both victories and struggles.  I finally made it to the 270's...but haven't been able to move past 279 for several days.  I love using BodyMedia to track my movement and calorie intake.  However, I'm not a huge fan of when it tells me I'm not eating enough...or to eat more veggies when I'm constantly doing that.  With the weight not going down and it telling me to eat more...that's exactly what I've done.

It really started on Sunday when we went out to eat to celebrate Father's day.  I stayed within my calorie limit, but ate foods that I haven't recently eaten like a dinner roll, ranch dressing, and mashed potatoes with gravy.  That meal started a craving within me that followed into Monday where all I wanted to do was eat...but still managed to keep the calories in check...even if they weren't the best choices.

Then came Tuesday.  Lunch buffet at my training had baked potatoes with all of the fixings, salad, and cheese cake.  I didn't do awful...wish I would have skipped most of the potato and had another option rather than full fat dressing...but I survived.  I ate half of a piece of cheesecake.  I did ok.  THEN...when I came home I was instantly starving which resulted in me eating a whole bag of veggie chips...which is about 600 calories.  I totally went over the calorie limit today...probably by about 500 calories.

After I binged today, I felt defeated.  In fact, I went and laid down instead of getting out and exercising.    I fell asleep and slept soundly until 10:00 when I set my alarm.  I knew that would allow me 2 hours to finish getting my points for earndit.  I laid in bed and thought about it...to get up...or not to get up?  I needed those points in order to be eligible for the grand prize.  But I really wanted to just lay there and be defeated.   The good news is that I got up...and I exercised.  As I approached the 12:00 limit, I knew that it was going to be close.  I needed all of my points today in order to qualify.  I made it!  By the hair on my chinny-chin-chin...I made the 60 point mark just barely!   And as a bonus...I already have a few points for tomorrow too!

One more victory is that I earned two trophies today through Earndit!

I earned the Eager Beaver one for earning 40+ points a day for 7 days in a row and the Hump day one for exercising for 4 Wednesdays in a row!  How cool to have that kind of motivation!  

So...even though the day got kind of rough today with making poor choices, I didn't let it ruin me!  There is still hope and tomorrow (today) is a new day!  I just hope those numbers on the scale start going down again!

Transformation Journey

It's been a good week!  I have continued to work towards losing the extra pounds and it has paid off!  This morning I broke through a new barrier...I am now in the 270s!  I honestly do not remember when I last weighed that...possibly in middle school?  It feels good to make progress and I think it's becoming a little easier.  I don't have a problem turning down the whole bag of Doritos when I know that eating them will erase all of the work that I've been doing.  One serving of Doritos...that's a different story!  :) Also, this marks 50 pounds down from my heaviest known weight! That's a good feeling!

This past Sunday my church started a new series called T90X.  Transformation to the extreme!  I'm excited about it because we're going to be studying and talking about different areas of life that aren't always discussed in church...a true transformation of body, soul, and mind.  It seems to fit in so well with where I am in my own life...love it!

I feel good right now...different.  I've always been so self-conscious of myself and being in public.  I never wanted to exercise because I'm sure nobody wants to see that...  In fact, I would cringe when I met people on the sidewalk while walking.  Instantly I would wonder what they were thinking about me as the dialogue started in my head.  A good thing happened the other day that made this a little bit easier for me...  I was walking around the neighborhood as it was getting a little darker out and we were expecting a huge storm.  A lady stopped me and made sure that I lived close because it looked liked the clouds were about ready to open.  That was so very kind of her...she didn't need to do it...and it just made me feel better.

Hopefully the next time I write I'll have met my 10% goal...

Kickin' Butt and Taking Names

The first week of summer vacation has been a success!  Unlike the last few posts...being alone has actually paid off.  I've been free to do whatever I want to do whenever I want to do it...even if I really don't want to!  :)

I started using Earndit to track my daily exercise.  It has been so stinkin' motivating!  You enter different competitions and work your butt off to earn points.  Depending on how many points you earn (max of 60 a day), you are entered into a drawing for that tier.  So...if you want to be eligible for the grand prize...you're going to run your sneakers out!  And that's exactly what I've been experiencing!

Two of the competitions that I'm in right now are month long...I have the whole month to earn 1,500 points.  Another one of the competitions is only a week long...and I totally slacked the first day...so I only have 6 days to earn 360 points.  Holy toledo!  I'm doing it, though!

To give a little perspective...60 points is equivalent to about 2.5 hours of moderate exercise...or some very intentional walking.  That day when I slacked...I spent the day shopping and working in my flower beds outside.  It's not like I was just sitting around...I was moving.  That entire day I earned a whopping 3 points!  What doesn't kill you makes you stronger...I hope.

I am a little hesitant about this weekend.  I have a wedding to go to today and tomorrow I'm going to a baseball game with my family.  It will be fine to be around people...I love people. The concern comes in when there are limited food options and very little movement.  The wedding is 1.5 hours away...so at least 3 hours in the car today!  I guess I had better stop blabbing and get outside to get some miles in!

I am going to do this...I am determined.

One foot in front of the other...

I'm having a hard time moving forward.  There are so many things that I want in life, but it's as if I'm afraid to leave this place of comfort.  I don't know what it's like to be successful at weight loss.  I don't know what it's like to weigh well under 300 pounds.  There are so many feelings of uncertainty...and the moment I have a little bit of success...I make sure it doesn't happen again.  Constantly going back before I can move forward.

There has been so much freedom in my life in the past few months...freedom from things that have held me captive for so many years.  Today I found myself turning to those things again...just because I can...and because I'm bored.

I gave up Facebook for lent.  I think this has been one of the hardest things I've done in a long time.  I've become so focused on other people's lives...their successes...struggles...failures...  I see so many people getting engaged...married...having kids.  And then there is me.  I've got nothing.  It's like Facebook has become my idol.  I know I spend far more time viewing the lives of others than I do anything else...especially spending time with God.  I've been fairly successful with staying away from fb...but haven't made such great strides with spending time with God.  Maybe that will change tomorrow...

Enough for now...I anticipate that I'll be back sooner next time...have a little extra time on my hands now-a-days!

Alone.

I find the biggest obstacles in my life come from living alone.  It's not just the occupancy of my household that I'm talking about...though that kind of bites too.  Day to day I live my life in a way that is held secret from everyone around me.

It's no shocker that I have a weight problem.   Anyone that sees me must know that there is something wrong with me in order for me to be this big.  But truthfully...my eating habits in front of people have been spot on.  The problem comes when I'm home at night and no one is around.  I have found myself cramming things into my mouth.  I have gone through 4 bags of chips this week.  Unfortunately I'm not talking about the snack size...  They were all "natural" chips...but still filled with thousands and thousands of calories.  I find myself falling down the slippery slope and then only wanting to continue.  Right now...that's all I can think about!  Eating those salty crispy snacks!

Today my parents stopped by somewhat unannounced.  My house was a disaster!  No one has ever seen my house look like this except for me.  It was embarrassing...but more than anything...it made me realize how I keep things from other people and don't allow them to see the real me.  I think most people would be appalled if they saw the condition of my house...or at least would never believe it was my house!

Hmm...just not sure how to feel right now.  I want to shed this extra weight....but kind of find that bag of chips calling for me instead.

Not a fantastic start...

I have made some healthy changes in the last few weeks, but have kept many unhealthy secrets that are sabotaging my  success.  Ultimately it comes down to the fact that I'm lonely.  When I'm alone, I do irrational things like eating an entire bag of s'mores goldfish crackers just because I can. It hit home yesterday that I am still living a lie and I am still slowly killing myself.

Yesterdays at worked I walked in as the ladies in the room were talking about me.  Apparently they were discussing how proud of me they were for how good I've been eating.  It's true...at work...I have been eating pretty clean and healthy.  I kind of chuckled and said that I was working on it...but what I really wanted to say was, "Yeah right, you should see how I gorge myself when I get home...just because I can!"  How  incredibly frustrating!  Internally...somehow...when I hear a positive thing about my weight loss...it flips something in my brain that makes me want to eat more and kill the progress.  Can I really just not stand people talking positively about me?  Ugh...

I have been reading a blog that has been super encouraging to me.  The author is a man fighting the battle to lose a significant amount of weight.  It has also been a convicting experience for me.  Here is a man who weighs more than twice my weight and he is more active and more diligent than I have yet to be.  It has been good to read his daily struggles and victories.  I know it's one thing that is keeping me from quitting.

I will beat this.  I can do this.

2013 Goals

2012 is over and 2013 is now in full swing!  Tomorrow starts a new chapter in my life as I return to work and embark on a hard reset of the habits I’ve picked up on over the holidays. 

I made a list of goals last year that I hadn’t looked at again until today.  I never accomplish my resolutions…I have very little discipline in everything that I do.  Surprisingly, I accomplished more things than I thought in 2012…but there is much room to grow!

One of my main goals for last year was to lose weight…shocker!  Though I did not end up where I wanted, I made further “gains” than I ever have before!  I made it out of the 300s...something that I haven’t done in probably 10 years!  I still have a super long way to go, but overall, I haven’t gained back what I’ve taken off (as long as you ignore the scale today)!  It has been rewarding to hear people compliment me on my weight loss.  I do need to be careful though to not allow this to go to my head and cause me to sabotage myself…this has happened the past few weeks.  

Another area that I’ve seen some growth in is my spiritual life.  I attempted to get involved with church by going to pizza with the pastors (something on the list)…but then did nothing else.  Definitely an area where I want to grow in 2013!  I did commit to tithe weekly and did it!  Also…I got baptized…which I still can’t even believe happened!  Woohoo! 

Ok…now for the new goals:

• Make it to “one”derland
• Participate in a 5k (Color Run?)
• Exercise  (5x/week minimum)
•  Join a D-Group
• Serve at church (greeter/riverkids/etc.)
• Daily Quiet Time
• Spend less ($50/week)
• Read a book for fun each month
• Blog weekly (minimum)

Let’s do this thing!