Unmotivated

I've really lacked motivation in the past few months and have gained and lost the same 10 pounds multiple times.  I generally do an awesome job with my diet all the way until I get home from school and then I turn into some kind of starved monster.  I'm hungry, so I grab the quickest thing I can get my hands on.  Generally it's not something too terribly healthy...or even if it is healthy...I eat crazy portion sizes.  

One of the biggest problems is that I put calorie counting on the back burner. There were too many instances where someone else would prepare me food and I had no idea what I was eating.  Or I would make something and be too lazy (or not have enough time) to measure every ingredient. AND...I became an expert at making excuses.

I had two days that were great...and then today happened.  It hasn't been awful, but I didn't follow the plan I made for the week.  I need to get past this and not let it hinder my progress.  I need to move forward.

I am a part of a diet bet this month.  I decided that I needed something to motivate me a little bit more.  I'm a bargain hunter...and what a way to earn a little extra cash while doing something that I REALLY need anyway!  I paid $20 and have to lose 4% of my body weight before the 30ish days is up.  Well...I'm three days in and have already lost about 6 pounds (evidence of how out of control my habits had gotten!)  The pot of money is then divided among whoever meets the 4% goal.  I can and will do this...just need those reminders.  

I find so many of the blogs I read online to be inspiring.  I appreciate that they have found a support system in other people.  I haven't found that yet.  I still find it difficult to talk about my weight battles, especially in real life.  People seem to think that I'm doing so great...but why am I not moving forward?  

Being this post has been somewhat of a downer...maybe I should talk about something positive.  Though the scale hasn't been a huge victory for me lately, there have been little things that have made me smile.  For instance...I appreciate that I can wear my winter coat with a sweater on underneath and there is still plenty of room for it to hang loose! 

I also am appreciating my workout class at school.  The first few times I was apart of this class I felt like I was going to die.  I was the slowest, most unable person in the class.  My face was always bright red and I could never catch my breath.  Just the other night I felt WONDERFUL after class and almost considered staying for the second hour.  I guess this was especially special because people around me were complaining about how awful the workout was.  Sure...it was awful...but in a good way.  I never thought that I would be in this place...volunteering to workout!?  Doing this around other people!?  It's funny because a lot of times the bulk of the workout happens in my school gym.  It's the very place (though a different building) that so many insecurities and fears were built when I was a child.  As I was running laps the other day, I couldn't help but smile.  I was having flashbacks of gym class and how I HATED running laps and doing warm ups and here I was doing this by choice.  Yay for positive change!