Fear of Succeeding

Oh Charlie Brown…you said it buddy!  I've spent the past few days totally sabotaging myself and all of the hard work that I've put in thus far this month.  I was thinking over the goals that I set at the beginning of the month.  Here they are…

1. Lose 4% of my body weight.
2. Finish reading Every Body Matters by Gary Thomas. 
3. Move more. 

As of Sunday morning…I had met my 4% loss.  The lowest weight I've seen in 5+ months registered on the scale!  260.5  Woohoo!  I had been testing myself to see if I could win a Diet Bet.  In November/December I signed up for one and lost my money!  :(  I knew that there was going to be a new challenge coming up and that I wanted to participate…but didn't want to lose any more $$.

So…I signed up for another Diet Bet.  What's another 4%!?  But guess what happened next...  I've binged each night since then.  It's crazy.  I spend all day meticulously tracking every bite that goes into my mouth.  Every gram is accounted for…but then 8:00 rolls around.  I have enough calories left to eat some popcorn…but then I want something sweet…then something salty…then sweet again.  Ugh!  

I know one of the biggest issues is that I haven't been out of the house since Friday due to more snow and frigid temperatures.  Usually I could walk it off or find something active to do…but today I didn't even have a car. Yes…I'm making excuses…but my hope and prayer is that when the weather goes away…so does this crazy urge!  

I have 3 days to get back down to my 4% loss.  I need to do this!

Made It Monday!

So…my goal this morning was to walk a lap around my subdivision every hour.  This got pretty old pretty fast.  So instead, I decided to just time my walks.  Each loop around (about 1 mile) takes me about 20 minutes.  I ended up taking several longer walks to give myself a few bigger chunks of "down time".

20 minutes X 10 times = 200 minutes = 3 hours 20 minutes

Here's the data:

Actually…I was 10 minutes short of my time so I decided to swing by Kroger on my way home from small group to walk the aisles.  I spent about 25 minutes walking up and down every aisle…but only 8 registered.  I figured this might happen…it has in the past.  I guess when you push a cart you lean on it…and you're not moving your arms…?  That's ok…it was getting late and I was getting tired.

Just a little comparison to show you how today compares to the little activity I've done this past week…this was a personal best for sure!

And the good stuff...

I'm proud of myself for following through.  I actually kind of enjoyed it.  It gave me a lot of time to think about everything under the sun as I didn't listen to music at all. And I'm pretty sure I'm going to sleep like a rock tonight!  

We're supposed to get more snow tonight…I'm not sure that I can do this again tomorrow!  

Snow Day…Again

So we have another snow day today, and honestly, I'm over it!  I desperately just want to get back into a normal schedule and see my kiddos each day.

Instead of lounging around all day, I've decided to challenge myself to get moving! My goal is to make one lap around my subdivision (about a mile) every hour, or at least a total of 10 laps.  I have a feeling there may be times when I take 2 laps at a time in order to skip an hour…we'll see.  I have to do something after my eating this weekend! Eeek!

Here's to a Movin' Monday!

Busy, busy, busy!

Wow!  I finally had a full week of school and it really wiped me out!  Things are still going well overall.  Meal planning has been wonderful in helping me stay on track.  I actually meet with the corporation wellness coach tomorrow to discuss my goal progress.  The last time we met I said I wanted to be more intentional with my evening meals.  I found that I was coming home starving and would grab the first thing I could find…which was usually junk.  I would fill up on snacky foods and not be hungry for dinner.  Then later at night I would be hungry again so I would eat more junk.  Vicious cycle that had me standing still in my weight loss journey.

So…the food part of life has been pretty good.  The exercise portion…not so much.  I've been meeting my steps and movement quota for the day, but honestly I haven't done anything on top of what my normal day requires.  SO…my goal this week is to actually exercise each day…even if it is only 10 minutes of intentional walking.

Well…I better get back in the kitchen to prep meals for this next week.  On the menu:  stuffed pepper soup, egg and veggie quiche, chicken with veggies and wild rice, taco salads?

Real Food Makes All The Difference

I've spent the week snowed in…literally.  I haven't left my house except to shovel snow since last Friday night.  This extra time has been much appreciated!  I've been able to clean my house (almost finished) and do some good meal planning and cooking.

One thing I've noticed is how much of a difference eating REAL food has made.  The days when I ate junk I was left ravenous as the sun went down.  I would eat something sweet mid-day (snow ice cream) and then just want to eat and eat and eat.  Here's a little proof:

• Thursday: 2,871
• Friday: 2,400
• Saturday: 3,088
• Sunday: 2,024
• Monday: 2,569
• Tuesday: 1,755
• Wednesday: 1,335
• Thursday: 1,380

The past three days have been amazing!  It really hasn't even been about meeting my calorie goals.  I've eaten good, solid food at each meal and haven't really needed to eat anything extra.  The only down side is that I'm running out of prepped food as the week is coming to a close…time to come up with some ideas for next week.  This may be somewhat of a challenge if I don't make a trip to the store.  I have plenty of food that could work…but I'm running low and fresh veggies.  On the other hand, maybe I'll just finish what I have at home first.  I've realized how much of a food hoarder I am and how much usually goes to waste.

Maybe I'll leave my house…someday.  

Project 2014: Find Me a Man!

I try not to dwell on it a lot and very rarely speak about it publicly as not to seem too desperate, but this singleness stuff sucks!  There are so many things in life that would be (in theory) so much easier if I had a man around here!  These thoughts and emotions have been stewing in me the past few days as I've been snowed in...

8 Foot Drift…No BIG Deal!

School is Buried Closed!

For one thing…all of this snow has been insane!  I shoveled three different times on Sunday as it was coming down in hopes of alleviating some of the chore of doing it all at once.  Honestly, I enjoyed shoveling…the first two times.  The third time left me a little cranky and in a pity party. You see, the third time I spent about two hours wrestling with the insane amounts of snow at the bottom of my small driveway that was packed in by the snowplow.  This is always my least favorite part…the 4X12 stretch from hell.  There was no where to put the snow…the piles on either side of my driveway were already way taller than me. It would have been nice to have someone…anyone…share that burden with me.

I became especially cranky when my neighbors came out after I did and went in before me.  They had snowblowers and four wheelers with blades…even cleaned someone else's driveway that hadn't started!  Seriously?  What about me?  The person who has spent 4+ hours shoveling!  Could you help a woman out?  Ok…guess not.  

See…the part that really annoys me is that I became so bent out of shape over all this!  Why did they have to help the people that haven't even spent a moment outside today?  Can't they see that I'm struggling over here?  Oh…the people that live there are older? They probably couldn't do it themselves?  I have a scary ski mask on that makes me look like a bank robber?  I AM able?  Got it.  

I was HUNGRY after coming in from the cold.  I was trying to determine if I really was hungry or just wanted some solace.  I think it probably was a combination of the two…but being I had worked so hard the whole day I fixed myself a low calorie snack and went to bed.  

Yesterday was a good day.  I prepped food for the week and had an awesome day…until about 10:00 when the anxiety eating set in.  I realized at that point that the water I had set in my garage to "test" the temperature had frozen.  Eeek!  The last thing I wanted to happen was have my pipes freeze.  So I stuffed towels in the garage door to eliminate any draft…opened the screen on the screen door and opened the main door to the kitchen to share heat…set up a space heater to add a little warmth.  But what if my furnace stops?  What if the power goes out?  What if the space heater in the garage starts a fire and I don't realize it because I'm sleeping at the other end of the house?  What if…? Not to mention the crazy sounds coming from outside…which I learned this morning that I wasn't the only one being freaked out by these…

So…this kind of anxiety might explain why I'm still single!  :/  It would just be nice to have someone to talk to…someone to bounce ideas off of…someone else to share responsibility.  

As I lay in bed after turning off the space heater in the garage and eating 14 Starburst and two pieces of raisin Ezekiel bread…I prayed for peace…and slept like a baby.  Prayer…what novel idea!

So…I guess I'm ready for another day!  Still many thoughts to come on singleness…this was just the very tip of the iceberg and I'm sure there will be much more time for thinking as my snow shovel and I have a date...

Hopefully I don't freeze out there...

***And this is the very reason I didn't write this post as I was fuming the other night.  I just came in from shoveling my driveway and was only out there 20 minutes at most!  Yesterday I didn't step foot outside because the temps were ridiculously low and I couldn't get my front door open due to drifting.  I kept checking the status of my driveway throughout the day through a bedroom window.  I could see bare spots, but figured the garage door had a huge drift in front of it.  As I worked my way through the big drift at the front door and down the sidewalk…I realized that there were tracks on my driveway…my clear driveway!  Someone must have used their snowblower in my driveway yesterday!  I'm not sure how I didn't hear it, but I am so thankful that they helped share that burden with me.  This gave me plenty of energy to dig out my mailbox that was frozen shut!  So maybe  it should be "Project 2014:  Chill Out and Be Thankful"!

Part of the Whole

Shoveling snow this morning for the first of many times today served as the perfect time and place for some deep thinking.  Currently, I'm sucking at this weight loss thing!  I get frustrated with myself because I know what to do (for the most part) and seem to be following through…but then crumble at the end of the day.  Where is this evening apathy coming from?

I also thought back a bit to the summer and wondered how I was able to be so successful.  Then I remembered that every second was spent thinking about weight loss…every calorie was pre-calculated for hours before consumption…everything mapped out and pre-planned.  Is that REALLY what I want for my life?  Is calorie counting even the way to go?

Some of this thinking comes about from yesterday's experiences.  I had an AWESOME day!  It was 8:00 p.m. and I was right where I needed to be with my calories.  I wanted something crunchy so I had some celery and peanut butter…about 150 calories worth…still had about 70 calories left in the bank.  But then the peanut butter was just too sweet and I wanted something salty.  Salty and crunchy.  Why not have some of those baked potato chips that I had made earlier?  OR…how about the whole bag!?  I was already way over my limit for the day…so why not have something sweet now?  And the cycle continued.  (I also kept thinking in my mind that tomorrow/Sunday is the start of a new week.  This one has been rotten…so why not finish it that way and start strong tomorrow?)

As I was alone in the cold…shoveling in the silence…I realized that I ate the equivalent of 4 potatoes yesterday!  I would never in my life sit down and eat 4 baked potatoes in one day…week…or probably even month!  But all in one day!?  And then to continue with something sweet?  Yuck.  It makes me sick thinking about it…and it certainly didn't leave me feeling at my best last night when it happened!

So where do I go next?  I want to live a normal life one day…one that isn't consumed by thoughts of food, calories, numbers, deficits…  And then this quote was waiting for me when I came inside...

This is only part of my life…and I need to keep that perspective.  

Father, help me to surrender this part of my life to You.  I know this isn't what your plan is for me.  

A different way to look at things...

So we're 4 days into the new year and no day has been perfect…that's for sure!  Last year I read Made to Crave by Lysa Terkeurst.  Here are some of the notes that I took about not just relying on the scale to see progress.

Define your week by obedience, not by a number on the scale.

1. Did I overeat this week on any day?
2. Did I move more and exercise regularly?
3. Do I feel lighter than I did at this time last week?
4. Did I eat in secret or out of anger or frustration?
5. Did I feel that at any point I ran to food instead of God?
6. Before I hopped on the scale, did I think I'd had a successful week?

I think part of my problem is that I'm still on winter break, just waiting to go back to school, waiting for life to begin again.  I know…this is an excuse.  The biggest success that I had in 2013 was on my summer break when I had all the time in the world.  Another part of the problem is that it's freezing outside!  I was able to get in some good activity shoveling snow, but other than that, I want to stay snuggled up inside with a blanket and a movie.  

I've noticed the biggest issue for me arrises after 7 p.m.  By this time, my calorie count for the day is usually still in check.  But then I get bored…  I make the mistake of watching cooking shows on tv…or see too many pictures of yummy food on Facebook and Pinterest.  I start out only eating a portion of the less healthy food…and then decide I'm doing myself a favor by eating more.  Here's my theory:  If I finish this bag of chocolate…then I'll only mess up one day instead of two.  If I eat the rest of these cheetos, I'll have them out of the house (which was the case…until my mom brought them to me yesterday…couldn't just throw them out and waste "food"!) 

And that right there is the exact reason why the scale hasn't moved down in the past 4-5 months.  It's fluctuated up and down between 265-275 for week after week.  Of course I was frustrated…but unwilling to own the real issue.  

The good news is that I'm starting to own the issue.  Even though the habit hasn't died, I'm keeping track of it.  It kills me to track these numbers…and I about died as I reviewed what I've actually eaten!  

• January 1: 1,822 (Not bad…but food included the last of the Gingerbread Twix, beef jerky, Cordial Blueberries, and Golden Graham Treats)
• January 2: 2,871 (The last of the Cordial Blueberries, beef jerky, chocolate covered cherries, and Golden Graham Treats)
• January 3: 2,400-2500 (A safe estimate…but I finished the Golden Graham Treats, finished the Cheetos, and ate a whole bag of croutons because I wanted something crunchy)

So far the day has started out well…and there really isn't much to choose from anymore (because I gave myself a "favor" earlier this week).  

Thank God for new beginnings!  

And so it begins...

Overall, I'd say that 2013 was a great year!  I may not have met all of the goals I set last January, but I surely made some nice progress in each (most) of the areas!  Instead of making a super long list for 2014, I've decided to make a few goals each month.  Hopefully a more realistic approach will help me conquer this year!

But before I go there...I want to recap a bit of 2013.  So many positive things have happened within the last year.  I'm sure I'm forgetting many highlights...but here are just a few in no particular order...

• This year, Christmas was different.  For as long as I can remember (10+ years at least) I've hated the holidays.  They have always been a time of high stress, fighting, overeating, and serious depression.  All of that is bad enough, not to mention the obnoxious music on EVERY radio station, crowded shopping experiences, and gaudy decorations everywhere you look!  It's been a long standing joke amongst friends and family that I hate Christmas..but am still a fan of Jesus.  That's been my slogan for years. I don't think people really understood how serious I was about the whole issue...  But this year really was different.  I entered the holiday season with more gratitude and less attitude.  I found myself listening to the radio in the car, watching Christmas movies on Netflix, and decorating my house and classroom.  Big changes.  The biggest change though has been inside.  I don't really even know how to explain it, but this year I feel like I haven't felt in years.  I am happy.  I am thankful.  I am able to celebrate.  
• I have met and become friends with some great people from my church!  Throughout the year I was a part of 3 different small groups...2 that will be continuing in 2014.  It has been super refreshing to meet people from all walks of life and to learn from/with them.  It has given me a greater appreciation for my church and our wonderful leadership.
• While on the topic of church, 2013 was the year that I finally got involved.  The first Sunday that I attended The River was way back in the fall of 2008.  I had just graduated from college, landed my first teaching job, and was on the search for a church.  My friend and I went through the church directory in the local paper and visited 20+ churches before we visited The River.  After the service as over, I knew that I was home!  I didn't go consistently for at least another year or so...life was busy...the church kept changing locations..and I found it incredibly hard to get connected.  But this year I put aside some of my anxieties about church and signed up for one of the lowest risk jobs out there...bulletin passer-outer.  And I do it with a smile!
• I started working out with a group of people at school.  As part of our wellness initiative, we have a wellness coach that we meet with several times a year.  She is also teaching a workout class called Move 45.  We meet every Monday and Thursday for 45 minutes of movement!  It's intense and I'm usually hurting when we're done, but I'm also now keeping up with the majority of the class!
• I've lost weight!  I think this is the first time ever that I can say I've been successful at intentional weight loss!  I'm not where I want to be, but I'm further from where I used to be!  I received many compliments when I returned to school this fall.  I don't remember a time when I've felt this good physically!  

I must say, I'm excited about 2014!  I want to continue on my health journey, meet more people, continue to build relationships, and expand this brain of mine.  Here are my January goals...

1. Lose 4% of my body weight.  (Doing a DietBet by myself instead of putting $20 on the line...didn't work out for me so well last time!  I don't imagine this will be too much of an issue after the overindulgence I experienced over the holiday.  If I go back to what I was doing, I know I'll see results!  This will also put me in the 250s!)
2. Finish reading Every Body Matters by Gary Thomas.  (I'm 3 chapters in...I can do this!) 
3. Move more.  (My goals on my BodyMedia are 45 minutes of moderate activity a day and 8,000 steps.  Shouldn't be a problem for most days...)

And there it is!  I'm looking forward to a terrific January!

Unmotivated

I've really lacked motivation in the past few months and have gained and lost the same 10 pounds multiple times.  I generally do an awesome job with my diet all the way until I get home from school and then I turn into some kind of starved monster.  I'm hungry, so I grab the quickest thing I can get my hands on.  Generally it's not something too terribly healthy...or even if it is healthy...I eat crazy portion sizes.  

One of the biggest problems is that I put calorie counting on the back burner. There were too many instances where someone else would prepare me food and I had no idea what I was eating.  Or I would make something and be too lazy (or not have enough time) to measure every ingredient. AND...I became an expert at making excuses.

I had two days that were great...and then today happened.  It hasn't been awful, but I didn't follow the plan I made for the week.  I need to get past this and not let it hinder my progress.  I need to move forward.

I am a part of a diet bet this month.  I decided that I needed something to motivate me a little bit more.  I'm a bargain hunter...and what a way to earn a little extra cash while doing something that I REALLY need anyway!  I paid $20 and have to lose 4% of my body weight before the 30ish days is up.  Well...I'm three days in and have already lost about 6 pounds (evidence of how out of control my habits had gotten!)  The pot of money is then divided among whoever meets the 4% goal.  I can and will do this...just need those reminders.  

I find so many of the blogs I read online to be inspiring.  I appreciate that they have found a support system in other people.  I haven't found that yet.  I still find it difficult to talk about my weight battles, especially in real life.  People seem to think that I'm doing so great...but why am I not moving forward?  

Being this post has been somewhat of a downer...maybe I should talk about something positive.  Though the scale hasn't been a huge victory for me lately, there have been little things that have made me smile.  For instance...I appreciate that I can wear my winter coat with a sweater on underneath and there is still plenty of room for it to hang loose! 

I also am appreciating my workout class at school.  The first few times I was apart of this class I felt like I was going to die.  I was the slowest, most unable person in the class.  My face was always bright red and I could never catch my breath.  Just the other night I felt WONDERFUL after class and almost considered staying for the second hour.  I guess this was especially special because people around me were complaining about how awful the workout was.  Sure...it was awful...but in a good way.  I never thought that I would be in this place...volunteering to workout!?  Doing this around other people!?  It's funny because a lot of times the bulk of the workout happens in my school gym.  It's the very place (though a different building) that so many insecurities and fears were built when I was a child.  As I was running laps the other day, I couldn't help but smile.  I was having flashbacks of gym class and how I HATED running laps and doing warm ups and here I was doing this by choice.  Yay for positive change!

A First...

So...it dawned on me the other day that I am no longer 100+ pounds over my recommended weight for my age and height!  I appreciate these sorts of victories...even if I'm still 99 pounds over!

I haven't really been following too much of a program lately, but still am managing to lose a little weight.  I keep thinking of the great successes I could be having if I really gave it my all...and then I go for the serving of ice cream because it's been a long day!  I'm very much a time table sort of person...I'll start next week...next month will be different...I'll start again on Sunday...  Well tomorrow starts October!  My goal is to shape things up a bit.  I would LOVE to be at my goal weight by this summer. I can do this...I know I can!

Life has been busy...and good!  I'm a fan of how things are going right now...and it's been a LONG time since I've been able to say that!  I'm a part of some good small groups through church...am participating in a body image life group...and have volunteered to become a mentor for some college girls.  I am in SUCH a different place than I was a year ago...even six months ago!

I know...quite a bit of rambling...but I'm tired!  Perhaps a better update will come along one of these days!

Thankful. Grateful. Blessed.

Life is good.  I'm noticing in different ways each day that I'm not who I used to be.  That's awesome.  There are still many struggles, a binge here and a binge there, but I'm doing it!

Some things I'm thankful for today:

1.  Family being close.  My sister is moving tomorrow and will only be 2 miles away.

2.  The ability to love.  There are a lot of kiddos that I encounter each day that just need someone to love them.  I'm glad I can be that person.  

3.  A wonderful work family.  We might bicker at times, but what family doesn't?

4.  A house to clean (even though I REALLY don't want to clean it).

5.  The ability to give gifts and encourage others.  I'm super excited about something I started at work today.  I'll probably share later...I was so excited about it last night that I couldn't sleep!

Story Time

So...here's My Story.   I know it's super long...but just listening to it has been healing for me.  Sorry about the tracking...I guess that's what happens when your video gets to be 16+ minutes long!

Survivor

I've survived the first 1.5 weeks of school!  It's been challenging...but good at the same time.  I love knowing that I am helping change lives everyday.  It's nice to see the little progress ALREADY in the kiddos that have come to school with so many obstacles in their lives.

Weight loss has been good for me.  I've lost the pounds that I gained after intermittent binge eating and a pulled hamstring.  My leg is SO much better, but I'm still not 100%.  I have some subtle numbness in my foot so I'm hesitant to start running...and even stairs are a little challenging.

People at work have been very complimentary of my progress.  This time it's helping!  I'm wearing "new" clothes everyday from my closet and feeling great about it.  I did stop by Goodwill the other night.  While looking for something else, I decided to swing by an look at the pants.  I found two nice pairs of dress pants that I just couldn't pass up for $8 total.  They don't fit right at the moment...but I'm sure in a few weeks they will be just fine.  Hopefully in a few more weeks they won't fit at all!  I'm turning into a dreamer...and I'm liking it...especially when those dreams come true!  At least now I won't be pant-less when the fall weather rolls in!

Back to School

It's been a while since I've posted...partly because I've been in a funk...and partly because I've been super busy.  I am also injured.  My sister brought over her treadmill to keep here while they are in the process of moving.  I have never used a treadmill.  I did my same running exercises that I do around town on the treadmill and that was a mistake!  I'm pretty sure I've pulled my hamstring...and that is NOT a good feeling!  I know I've used it as an excuse...but it seriously hurts!

Tomorrow starts the new school year...my sixth year of teaching!  It's hard to believe that I've been at it that long already!  Time has surely flown.  Part of me is wishing that tomorrow wasn't happening yet.  One of my biggest regrets is that I did not meet my summer weight loss goal.  I wanted to be skinnier.  I wanted to be wearing completely different sizes...but I'm not.

There have been some victories though.  I started to go through my closet to see what exactly I have to wear in the upcoming weeks.  Though my sizes haven't changed dramatically, I do have some clothes that won't be returning this school year because they are too big.  As I've said before, I'm a bargain shopper.  Therefore, I have several shirts that I bought on clearance that never fit.  They were my "goal shirts."  Many of them fit now!  And then there are some that were super tight that are getting closer to being wearable!  Yay!

Lovely picture...I know!  This was one of my favorite shirts!  It's silky and now almost too big in places and I haven't even worn it yet!

This is another silky one.  It fits just right!

This one fits fairly well.  It's practically see through in spots...so I would like to to be a tad looser through the tummy area so I can comfortably wear a shirt underneath.  This has also been one of my favorites that I've just been dying to wear!

This one has been in my closet for a long time.  It was a killer deal...but never came close to fitting.  It's also in the almost there category and will require a shirt underneath.

I was shocked when I tried this one on.  Just a little tight around the tummy...but not bad at all.  

And my new goal shirt!  I know...not a pretty sight!  However...I bought this one without trying it on in the store.  When I got home and tried it on I thought I was going to have to cut myself out of it!  So tight!  Definitely still tight...but there is hope!

One of my problems is that I'm starting the year off with a lot of shirts...but very few pants that fit well. So...I've got a few pair of capri-type pants that will work for a while as well as some skirts.  I've decided that I'm not going to buy any more pants until winter...unless I find a killer deal of course.  Hopefully by then I will be in a smaller size!  

Hopefully going back to work will bring life back to normal.  I need a constant schedule to succeed!  

Wish me luck!

Loves.

One of my loves is shopping...and making sure I get a good deal!  I spent a couple of days away from home this past weekend and when I came back and opened the fridge...yuck!  The spinach didn't quite make it...that's for sure!

Today I did a thorough clean and tossed a lot of things that have been untouched for months.  That's one of the struggles of living alone and recovering from food addictions...you don't realize how much food you actually have crammed in there!  At present...the fridge is pretty empty.  I hope to keep it that way overall, I think it will help me eat what I have before buying more.  I might just have to suppress the inner deal-maker!

Here is a little proof of the problem that I have...all items bought at 50-75% off...

That's right...a whole shelf and drawer dedicated to cheese!  2 stacks of chunk cheese, 1 stack of shredded cheese, 1 stack of cheese slices, 1 stack of string cheese...and those are just the unopened packages!  Before I started logging my food intake religiously I would eat cheese every time I wanted something salty.  Cheese and crackers...cheese and pretzels...cheese and an apple...cheese and...you name it!  Now that I'm logging everything, I realize what a serving actually looks like...and I'm going through a lot less of it!  Also factor in the sodium...  Now I typically eat one cheese stick a day.  So...I'm thankful that cheese lasts forever and I don't need to buy anymore in 2013.  I will probably be bringing in cheese and crackers/fruit for snacks at school to help clean it all out.  

Maybe I'll show some other shots of the fridge later...I always find it interesting to see what people typically keep stocked.  Right now for me...this is about it!  A carton of eggs...some salad dressings...and a few veggies that need me to go and clean them!

It's Thursday...

Well...I've been surviving!  There have been a few bumpy days!  The cravings I have some days just amaze me.  I know I'm not hungry, yet I eat and eat in hopes of filling whatever "something" that is missing.  I think a large part of it involves hormonal changes and monthly sorts of things...  The anxiety of going back to school in a few short weeks is starting to sink in.  There are many things to be done...and many things that I haven't done.  I wanted to be further on my journey by now...but I'm not. I need to be ok with that.

I went to the dentist today.  It was long overdue.  I honestly don't take good care of my teeth.  I hate flossing, mouth wash burns, and I go to bed every now and then without brushing.  Since I graduated from college, I haven't had dental insurance.  I tacked it on this year...but was paranoid about going.   I knew that some of my bottom lower teeth were bad and I was simply too embarrassed to go...until today.  I was still embarrassed...but went for it anyway.

Today I experienced both ends of the spectrum.  The hygienist was wonderful.  She was very caring and easy to talk to...I'm usually super awkward in these sorts of situations.  She even made a comment about my boney wrist when she took my blood pressure.  No one has EVER said any part of my body was boney!  Haha!  I enjoyed her and she made the process as easy as possible.  The receptionist was wonderful too!  Sometimes they make you feel like you're stupid, but she was great!  Answered all of my questions before I could even ask them.

The dentist on the other hand...still a great guy I'm sure...but there was less of a fuzzy feeling.  My dentist from back home was the only one I had ever been to.  He's the kind of guy that knows you and cares about your family.  He goes to your graduation parties and weddings...he's that kind of guy!  This guy was young...and rather good looking!  He made several comments that made me think..."would he be saying this to me if I wasn't 100 pounds overweight?"  He told me to make sure I wasn't drinking a lot of pop...limit my candy intake...your typical dentist response.  But then he proceeded to tell me to make sure I wasn't constantly eating...to make sure my teeth had a chance to catch up with all of the food I eat.  Ok...no problem.  But then he said it multiple times...like it wasn't sinking in. Hmmm...valid point, no doubt, but just makes me wonder a bit.

Anyway...I survived!    Lots of $ and pain in the future...but this too can be fixed!

So it's Thursday....

• I'm thankful for dental insurance.
• I'm thankful for getting to spend a couple of days with my niece this week.
• I'm thankful for my sister and her family finding a house...that's in the same town!  
• I'm thankful for a lady's retreat that I'm a part of this weekend.  (Will be somewhat stressful because I'm helping my mom run it...but we've made it this far!)
• I'm thankful for beautiful weather today!  Makes mowing the lawn not so bad...

Small Victories

I spent much of today with my sister and niece visiting a farmer's market and a kid's fest in a local park.  It was so hot...and there were so many temptations!

The farmer's market was loaded with homemade breads, cookies, fudge, caramels, and ____________ (insert every possible homemade treat here).  Of course, there were free samples too!  I am proud of myself because I only walked away trying one sample and making one purchase.  They had a local bee keeper who sold creamed honey.  It's just honey...no extras...just processed a different way.  They carried many different flavors including a raspberry honey and a cinnamon orange honey.  My sister and I each tried one and then bought what we tried.  So delish!

We walked around for so many hours doing the different activities that we missed lunch.  I was SO hungry by the time we were done.  I only had a few minutes before I had to meet my parents, so I ran into McDonald's.  I know...not the most ideal location...but I made it work!  I bought a fruit parfait and left off the granola (mostly because I was driving) and some apple slices.  Crisis averted!

Overall, I am proud of my efforts today.  I needed some positive moments after the week I've had!

I can do this!

Thankful Thursday #2

How's that for an original title?  :)

The past two days have been less than stellar.  It's so hot here and I've been so unmotivated!  My eating has been spot on until about 8:00 at night...and then it's not pretty!  I've been down on myself...which requires a few changes to take place in the coming weeks.

The first change is that I'm not going to be weighing myself.  I packed away my scale in another room and don't plan to step back on it until August 1.  I've found so much frustration in the scale not going down.  For the most part (before the past 2 days) I have done well with my eating and exercise.  The calorie deficit was there...but the scale didn't budge.  I got annoyed and told myself that it didn't really matter if I ate a little of this or a little of that because the scale wasn't going to move anyway.  Not the attitude to have...but totally there.  I've become so obsessive about the numbers that I decided it was time for them to go for a while.  I honestly believe that if I spend the next few weeks acting out of integrity, I'm going to see the numbers I desire.  I hope so at least!

Another change is my exercise.  I have not been following my routine at all...mainly because it's so stinkin' hot out there!  Today I woke up at 5:30 without an alarm and decided that I was going to get up and move.  I did the first day of a couch to 5k program.  I have never been able to run any distance at all without feeling like I'm going to die.  Even in middle school and high school I couldn't run the 1-2 minute warm-ups in gym class.  I want to be a runner.

Here is an outline of the plan:

Week	Workout 1	Workout 2	Workout 3
1	Brisk five-minute warmup walk. Then alternate 60 seconds of jogging and 90 seconds of walking for a total of 20 minutes.	Brisk five-minute warmup walk. Then alternate 60 seconds of jogging and 90 seconds of walking for a total of 20 minutes.	Brisk five-minute warmup walk. Then alternate 60 seconds of jogging and 90 seconds of walking for a total of 20 minutes.
2	Brisk five-minute warmup walk. Then alternate 90 seconds of jogging and two minutes of walking for a total of 20 minutes.	Brisk five-minute warmup walk. Then alternate 90 seconds of jogging and two minutes of walking for a total of 20 minutes.	Brisk five-minute warmup walk. Then alternate 90 seconds of jogging and two minutes of walking for a total of 20 minutes.
3	Brisk five-minute warmup walk, then do two repetitions of the following: Jog 200 yards (or 90 seconds) Walk 200 yards (or 90 seconds) Jog 400 yards (or 3 minutes) Walk 400 yards (or three minutes)	Brisk five-minute warmup walk, then do two repetitions of the following: Jog 200 yards (or 90 seconds) Walk 200 yards (or 90 seconds) Jog 400 yards (or 3 minutes) Walk 400 yards (or three minutes)	Brisk five-minute warmup walk, then do two repetitions of the following: Jog 200 yards (or 90 seconds) Walk 200 yards (or 90 seconds) Jog 400 yards (or 3 minutes) Walk 400 yards (or three minutes)
4	Brisk five-minute warmup walk, then: Jog 1/4 mile (or 3 minutes) Walk 1/8 mile (or 90 seconds) Jog 1/2 mile (or 5 minutes) Walk 1/4 mile (or 2-1/2 minutes) Jog 1/4 mile (or 3 minutes) Walk 1/8 mile (or 90 seconds) Jog 1/2 mile (or 5 minutes)	Brisk five-minute warmup walk, then: Jog 1/4 mile (or 3 minutes) Walk 1/8 mile (or 90 seconds) Jog 1/2 mile (or 5 minutes) Walk 1/4 mile (or 2-1/2 minutes) Jog 1/4 mile (or 3 minutes) Walk 1/8 mile (or 90 seconds) Jog 1/2 mile (or 5 minutes)	Brisk five-minute warmup walk, then: Jog 1/4 mile (or 3 minutes) Walk 1/8 mile (or 90 seconds) Jog 1/2 mile (or 5 minutes) Walk 1/4 mile (or 2-1/2 minutes) Jog 1/4 mile (or 3 minutes) Walk 1/8 mile (or 90 seconds) Jog 1/2 mile (or 5 minutes)
5	Brisk five-minute warmup walk, then: Jog 1/2 mile (or 5 minutes) Walk 1/4 mile (or 3 minutes) Jog 1/2 mile (or 5 minutes) Walk 1/4 mile (or 3 minutes) Jog 1/2 mile (or 5 minutes)	Brisk five-minute warmup walk, then: Jog 3/4 mile (or 8 minutes) Walk 1/2 mile (or 5 minutes) Jog 3/4 mile (or 8 minutes)	Brisk five-minute warmup walk, then jog two miles (or 20 minutes) with no walking.
6	Brisk five-minute warmup walk, then: Jog 1/2 mile (or 5 minutes) Walk 1/4 mile (or 3 minutes) Jog 3/4 mile (or 8 minutes) Walk 1/4 mile (or 3 minutes) Jog 1/2 mile (or 5 minutes)	Brisk five-minute warmup walk, then: Jog 1 mile (or 10 minutes) Walk 1/4 mile (or 3 minutes) Jog 1 mile (or 10 minutes)	Brisk five-minute warmup walk, then jog 2-1/4 miles (or 22 minutes) with no walking.
7	Brisk five-minute warmup walk, then jog 2.5 miles (or 25 minutes).	Brisk five-minute warmup walk, then jog 2.5 miles (or 25 minutes).	Brisk five-minute warmup walk, then jog 2.5 miles (or 25 minutes).
8	Brisk five-minute warmup walk, then jog 2.75 miles (or 28 minutes).	Brisk five-minute warmup walk, then jog 2.75 miles (or 28 minutes).	Brisk five-minute warmup walk, then jog 2.75 miles (or 28 minutes).
9	Brisk five-minute warmup walk, then jog 3 miles (or 30 minutes).	Brisk five-minute warmup walk, then jog 3 miles (or 30 minutes).	The final workout! Congratulations! Brisk five-minute warmup walk, then jog 3 miles (or 30 minutes).

I did it...I completed workout 1!  I used my handy gym boss that I bought almost two years ago!  The first time (and only other time) I tried to use it I thought I was going to die and wasn't able to complete my workout.  Apparently when it says couch to 5K I didn't realize that my gym shorts were practically sewn into the cushions and it was going to take a lot more than a cute little interval timer to get me moving!  This time...very little struggle!  I'm hoping that having something very structured will help me stay on task.  I do well with structure...most days.  I'm not sure that I will be running for 30 minutes in 9 weeks...but one can only hope!

Another change that took place was shutting of the Fit Coach on my BodyMedia.  I am tired of being told what to do or that what I'm doing is not good enough.  I have enough struggle within myself...don't need a computer telling me my faults too!  It's not just the negative comments that bother me...the positive ones do too!  Let me do my thing and if I want your advice...I'll ask!  (A little testy today!)

After all of that rambling, here are some things that I'm thankful for today!

• I'm thankful for waking up at 5:30 this morning.  I know that I wouldn't have exercised today without that early start...it's too hot!  
• I'm thankful for air conditioning! 
• I'm thankful for phone calls with my parents.  Our relationship has changed immensely in the last few years...thankful for that too!  ;)
• I'm thankful for delicious recipes and food creativity that make this journey a little bit easier.
• I'm thankful for summer vacation...those days are certainly numbered!

Thankful Thursday

Today I'm thankful that my dad's surgery went well!  He is on the long road to recovery and I'm thankful that I get to be home and help him out a bit.

I'm thankful for a group of ladies that can get together and talk about life, struggles, and the redemption and restoration that is found through Jesus...even if the meeting didn't got as intended.

I'm thankful for my GPS that helped me navigate crazy back roads with no detour signs.

I'm thankful for a comfy bed to curl up in...even though people are shooting off fireworks on the 11th of July at 11:00 at night!


Definitely feeling the Thursday funk today...but am glad that there are so many things to be thankful for!