Transformation Journey

It's been a good week!  I have continued to work towards losing the extra pounds and it has paid off!  This morning I broke through a new barrier...I am now in the 270s!  I honestly do not remember when I last weighed that...possibly in middle school?  It feels good to make progress and I think it's becoming a little easier.  I don't have a problem turning down the whole bag of Doritos when I know that eating them will erase all of the work that I've been doing.  One serving of Doritos...that's a different story!  :) Also, this marks 50 pounds down from my heaviest known weight! That's a good feeling!

This past Sunday my church started a new series called T90X.  Transformation to the extreme!  I'm excited about it because we're going to be studying and talking about different areas of life that aren't always discussed in church...a true transformation of body, soul, and mind.  It seems to fit in so well with where I am in my own life...love it!

I feel good right now...different.  I've always been so self-conscious of myself and being in public.  I never wanted to exercise because I'm sure nobody wants to see that...  In fact, I would cringe when I met people on the sidewalk while walking.  Instantly I would wonder what they were thinking about me as the dialogue started in my head.  A good thing happened the other day that made this a little bit easier for me...  I was walking around the neighborhood as it was getting a little darker out and we were expecting a huge storm.  A lady stopped me and made sure that I lived close because it looked liked the clouds were about ready to open.  That was so very kind of her...she didn't need to do it...and it just made me feel better.

Hopefully the next time I write I'll have met my 10% goal...

Kickin' Butt and Taking Names

The first week of summer vacation has been a success!  Unlike the last few posts...being alone has actually paid off.  I've been free to do whatever I want to do whenever I want to do it...even if I really don't want to!  :)

I started using Earndit to track my daily exercise.  It has been so stinkin' motivating!  You enter different competitions and work your butt off to earn points.  Depending on how many points you earn (max of 60 a day), you are entered into a drawing for that tier.  So...if you want to be eligible for the grand prize...you're going to run your sneakers out!  And that's exactly what I've been experiencing!

Two of the competitions that I'm in right now are month long...I have the whole month to earn 1,500 points.  Another one of the competitions is only a week long...and I totally slacked the first day...so I only have 6 days to earn 360 points.  Holy toledo!  I'm doing it, though!

To give a little perspective...60 points is equivalent to about 2.5 hours of moderate exercise...or some very intentional walking.  That day when I slacked...I spent the day shopping and working in my flower beds outside.  It's not like I was just sitting around...I was moving.  That entire day I earned a whopping 3 points!  What doesn't kill you makes you stronger...I hope.

I am a little hesitant about this weekend.  I have a wedding to go to today and tomorrow I'm going to a baseball game with my family.  It will be fine to be around people...I love people. The concern comes in when there are limited food options and very little movement.  The wedding is 1.5 hours away...so at least 3 hours in the car today!  I guess I had better stop blabbing and get outside to get some miles in!

I am going to do this...I am determined.

One foot in front of the other...

I'm having a hard time moving forward.  There are so many things that I want in life, but it's as if I'm afraid to leave this place of comfort.  I don't know what it's like to be successful at weight loss.  I don't know what it's like to weigh well under 300 pounds.  There are so many feelings of uncertainty...and the moment I have a little bit of success...I make sure it doesn't happen again.  Constantly going back before I can move forward.

There has been so much freedom in my life in the past few months...freedom from things that have held me captive for so many years.  Today I found myself turning to those things again...just because I can...and because I'm bored.

I gave up Facebook for lent.  I think this has been one of the hardest things I've done in a long time.  I've become so focused on other people's lives...their successes...struggles...failures...  I see so many people getting engaged...married...having kids.  And then there is me.  I've got nothing.  It's like Facebook has become my idol.  I know I spend far more time viewing the lives of others than I do anything else...especially spending time with God.  I've been fairly successful with staying away from fb...but haven't made such great strides with spending time with God.  Maybe that will change tomorrow...

Enough for now...I anticipate that I'll be back sooner next time...have a little extra time on my hands now-a-days!

Alone.

I find the biggest obstacles in my life come from living alone.  It's not just the occupancy of my household that I'm talking about...though that kind of bites too.  Day to day I live my life in a way that is held secret from everyone around me.

It's no shocker that I have a weight problem.   Anyone that sees me must know that there is something wrong with me in order for me to be this big.  But truthfully...my eating habits in front of people have been spot on.  The problem comes when I'm home at night and no one is around.  I have found myself cramming things into my mouth.  I have gone through 4 bags of chips this week.  Unfortunately I'm not talking about the snack size...  They were all "natural" chips...but still filled with thousands and thousands of calories.  I find myself falling down the slippery slope and then only wanting to continue.  Right now...that's all I can think about!  Eating those salty crispy snacks!

Today my parents stopped by somewhat unannounced.  My house was a disaster!  No one has ever seen my house look like this except for me.  It was embarrassing...but more than anything...it made me realize how I keep things from other people and don't allow them to see the real me.  I think most people would be appalled if they saw the condition of my house...or at least would never believe it was my house!

Hmm...just not sure how to feel right now.  I want to shed this extra weight....but kind of find that bag of chips calling for me instead.

Not a fantastic start...

I have made some healthy changes in the last few weeks, but have kept many unhealthy secrets that are sabotaging my  success.  Ultimately it comes down to the fact that I'm lonely.  When I'm alone, I do irrational things like eating an entire bag of s'mores goldfish crackers just because I can. It hit home yesterday that I am still living a lie and I am still slowly killing myself.

Yesterdays at worked I walked in as the ladies in the room were talking about me.  Apparently they were discussing how proud of me they were for how good I've been eating.  It's true...at work...I have been eating pretty clean and healthy.  I kind of chuckled and said that I was working on it...but what I really wanted to say was, "Yeah right, you should see how I gorge myself when I get home...just because I can!"  How  incredibly frustrating!  Internally...somehow...when I hear a positive thing about my weight loss...it flips something in my brain that makes me want to eat more and kill the progress.  Can I really just not stand people talking positively about me?  Ugh...

I have been reading a blog that has been super encouraging to me.  The author is a man fighting the battle to lose a significant amount of weight.  It has also been a convicting experience for me.  Here is a man who weighs more than twice my weight and he is more active and more diligent than I have yet to be.  It has been good to read his daily struggles and victories.  I know it's one thing that is keeping me from quitting.

I will beat this.  I can do this.

2013 Goals

2012 is over and 2013 is now in full swing!  Tomorrow starts a new chapter in my life as I return to work and embark on a hard reset of the habits I’ve picked up on over the holidays. 

I made a list of goals last year that I hadn’t looked at again until today.  I never accomplish my resolutions…I have very little discipline in everything that I do.  Surprisingly, I accomplished more things than I thought in 2012…but there is much room to grow!

One of my main goals for last year was to lose weight…shocker!  Though I did not end up where I wanted, I made further “gains” than I ever have before!  I made it out of the 300s...something that I haven’t done in probably 10 years!  I still have a super long way to go, but overall, I haven’t gained back what I’ve taken off (as long as you ignore the scale today)!  It has been rewarding to hear people compliment me on my weight loss.  I do need to be careful though to not allow this to go to my head and cause me to sabotage myself…this has happened the past few weeks.  

Another area that I’ve seen some growth in is my spiritual life.  I attempted to get involved with church by going to pizza with the pastors (something on the list)…but then did nothing else.  Definitely an area where I want to grow in 2013!  I did commit to tithe weekly and did it!  Also…I got baptized…which I still can’t even believe happened!  Woohoo! 

Ok…now for the new goals:

• Make it to “one”derland
• Participate in a 5k (Color Run?)
• Exercise  (5x/week minimum)
•  Join a D-Group
• Serve at church (greeter/riverkids/etc.)
• Daily Quiet Time
• Spend less ($50/week)
• Read a book for fun each month
• Blog weekly (minimum)

Let’s do this thing!  

Singleness is a gift...?

It's been a long time since I've blogged!  A lot has happened in the last few months, but not too many things that are out of the ordinary.  I've been struggling lately with a variety of things...

Singleness is tough.  There are so many things that happen in my daily life where it would just be nice to have a man around.  My car breaks...the lawn mower won't start...the satellite dish is hanging off my roof...I have a church event to go to.  Life, in so many ways, would be easier if I had someone to walk along side of me.

It's tough to think that I'm getting older...and I'm still alone.  Does no one want me?  Find me desirable?  Want to love me?  When will he come along?

His timing is perfect.  I must. remember. this.