Loves.

One of my loves is shopping...and making sure I get a good deal!  I spent a couple of days away from home this past weekend and when I came back and opened the fridge...yuck!  The spinach didn't quite make it...that's for sure!

Today I did a thorough clean and tossed a lot of things that have been untouched for months.  That's one of the struggles of living alone and recovering from food addictions...you don't realize how much food you actually have crammed in there!  At present...the fridge is pretty empty.  I hope to keep it that way overall, I think it will help me eat what I have before buying more.  I might just have to suppress the inner deal-maker!

Here is a little proof of the problem that I have...all items bought at 50-75% off...

That's right...a whole shelf and drawer dedicated to cheese!  2 stacks of chunk cheese, 1 stack of shredded cheese, 1 stack of cheese slices, 1 stack of string cheese...and those are just the unopened packages!  Before I started logging my food intake religiously I would eat cheese every time I wanted something salty.  Cheese and crackers...cheese and pretzels...cheese and an apple...cheese and...you name it!  Now that I'm logging everything, I realize what a serving actually looks like...and I'm going through a lot less of it!  Also factor in the sodium...  Now I typically eat one cheese stick a day.  So...I'm thankful that cheese lasts forever and I don't need to buy anymore in 2013.  I will probably be bringing in cheese and crackers/fruit for snacks at school to help clean it all out.  

Maybe I'll show some other shots of the fridge later...I always find it interesting to see what people typically keep stocked.  Right now for me...this is about it!  A carton of eggs...some salad dressings...and a few veggies that need me to go and clean them!

It's Thursday...

Well...I've been surviving!  There have been a few bumpy days!  The cravings I have some days just amaze me.  I know I'm not hungry, yet I eat and eat in hopes of filling whatever "something" that is missing.  I think a large part of it involves hormonal changes and monthly sorts of things...  The anxiety of going back to school in a few short weeks is starting to sink in.  There are many things to be done...and many things that I haven't done.  I wanted to be further on my journey by now...but I'm not. I need to be ok with that.

I went to the dentist today.  It was long overdue.  I honestly don't take good care of my teeth.  I hate flossing, mouth wash burns, and I go to bed every now and then without brushing.  Since I graduated from college, I haven't had dental insurance.  I tacked it on this year...but was paranoid about going.   I knew that some of my bottom lower teeth were bad and I was simply too embarrassed to go...until today.  I was still embarrassed...but went for it anyway.

Today I experienced both ends of the spectrum.  The hygienist was wonderful.  She was very caring and easy to talk to...I'm usually super awkward in these sorts of situations.  She even made a comment about my boney wrist when she took my blood pressure.  No one has EVER said any part of my body was boney!  Haha!  I enjoyed her and she made the process as easy as possible.  The receptionist was wonderful too!  Sometimes they make you feel like you're stupid, but she was great!  Answered all of my questions before I could even ask them.

The dentist on the other hand...still a great guy I'm sure...but there was less of a fuzzy feeling.  My dentist from back home was the only one I had ever been to.  He's the kind of guy that knows you and cares about your family.  He goes to your graduation parties and weddings...he's that kind of guy!  This guy was young...and rather good looking!  He made several comments that made me think..."would he be saying this to me if I wasn't 100 pounds overweight?"  He told me to make sure I wasn't drinking a lot of pop...limit my candy intake...your typical dentist response.  But then he proceeded to tell me to make sure I wasn't constantly eating...to make sure my teeth had a chance to catch up with all of the food I eat.  Ok...no problem.  But then he said it multiple times...like it wasn't sinking in. Hmmm...valid point, no doubt, but just makes me wonder a bit.

Anyway...I survived!    Lots of $ and pain in the future...but this too can be fixed!

So it's Thursday....

• I'm thankful for dental insurance.
• I'm thankful for getting to spend a couple of days with my niece this week.
• I'm thankful for my sister and her family finding a house...that's in the same town!  
• I'm thankful for a lady's retreat that I'm a part of this weekend.  (Will be somewhat stressful because I'm helping my mom run it...but we've made it this far!)
• I'm thankful for beautiful weather today!  Makes mowing the lawn not so bad...

Small Victories

I spent much of today with my sister and niece visiting a farmer's market and a kid's fest in a local park.  It was so hot...and there were so many temptations!

The farmer's market was loaded with homemade breads, cookies, fudge, caramels, and ____________ (insert every possible homemade treat here).  Of course, there were free samples too!  I am proud of myself because I only walked away trying one sample and making one purchase.  They had a local bee keeper who sold creamed honey.  It's just honey...no extras...just processed a different way.  They carried many different flavors including a raspberry honey and a cinnamon orange honey.  My sister and I each tried one and then bought what we tried.  So delish!

We walked around for so many hours doing the different activities that we missed lunch.  I was SO hungry by the time we were done.  I only had a few minutes before I had to meet my parents, so I ran into McDonald's.  I know...not the most ideal location...but I made it work!  I bought a fruit parfait and left off the granola (mostly because I was driving) and some apple slices.  Crisis averted!

Overall, I am proud of my efforts today.  I needed some positive moments after the week I've had!

I can do this!

Thankful Thursday #2

How's that for an original title?  :)

The past two days have been less than stellar.  It's so hot here and I've been so unmotivated!  My eating has been spot on until about 8:00 at night...and then it's not pretty!  I've been down on myself...which requires a few changes to take place in the coming weeks.

The first change is that I'm not going to be weighing myself.  I packed away my scale in another room and don't plan to step back on it until August 1.  I've found so much frustration in the scale not going down.  For the most part (before the past 2 days) I have done well with my eating and exercise.  The calorie deficit was there...but the scale didn't budge.  I got annoyed and told myself that it didn't really matter if I ate a little of this or a little of that because the scale wasn't going to move anyway.  Not the attitude to have...but totally there.  I've become so obsessive about the numbers that I decided it was time for them to go for a while.  I honestly believe that if I spend the next few weeks acting out of integrity, I'm going to see the numbers I desire.  I hope so at least!

Another change is my exercise.  I have not been following my routine at all...mainly because it's so stinkin' hot out there!  Today I woke up at 5:30 without an alarm and decided that I was going to get up and move.  I did the first day of a couch to 5k program.  I have never been able to run any distance at all without feeling like I'm going to die.  Even in middle school and high school I couldn't run the 1-2 minute warm-ups in gym class.  I want to be a runner.

Here is an outline of the plan:

Week	Workout 1	Workout 2	Workout 3
1	Brisk five-minute warmup walk. Then alternate 60 seconds of jogging and 90 seconds of walking for a total of 20 minutes.	Brisk five-minute warmup walk. Then alternate 60 seconds of jogging and 90 seconds of walking for a total of 20 minutes.	Brisk five-minute warmup walk. Then alternate 60 seconds of jogging and 90 seconds of walking for a total of 20 minutes.
2	Brisk five-minute warmup walk. Then alternate 90 seconds of jogging and two minutes of walking for a total of 20 minutes.	Brisk five-minute warmup walk. Then alternate 90 seconds of jogging and two minutes of walking for a total of 20 minutes.	Brisk five-minute warmup walk. Then alternate 90 seconds of jogging and two minutes of walking for a total of 20 minutes.
3	Brisk five-minute warmup walk, then do two repetitions of the following: Jog 200 yards (or 90 seconds) Walk 200 yards (or 90 seconds) Jog 400 yards (or 3 minutes) Walk 400 yards (or three minutes)	Brisk five-minute warmup walk, then do two repetitions of the following: Jog 200 yards (or 90 seconds) Walk 200 yards (or 90 seconds) Jog 400 yards (or 3 minutes) Walk 400 yards (or three minutes)	Brisk five-minute warmup walk, then do two repetitions of the following: Jog 200 yards (or 90 seconds) Walk 200 yards (or 90 seconds) Jog 400 yards (or 3 minutes) Walk 400 yards (or three minutes)
4	Brisk five-minute warmup walk, then: Jog 1/4 mile (or 3 minutes) Walk 1/8 mile (or 90 seconds) Jog 1/2 mile (or 5 minutes) Walk 1/4 mile (or 2-1/2 minutes) Jog 1/4 mile (or 3 minutes) Walk 1/8 mile (or 90 seconds) Jog 1/2 mile (or 5 minutes)	Brisk five-minute warmup walk, then: Jog 1/4 mile (or 3 minutes) Walk 1/8 mile (or 90 seconds) Jog 1/2 mile (or 5 minutes) Walk 1/4 mile (or 2-1/2 minutes) Jog 1/4 mile (or 3 minutes) Walk 1/8 mile (or 90 seconds) Jog 1/2 mile (or 5 minutes)	Brisk five-minute warmup walk, then: Jog 1/4 mile (or 3 minutes) Walk 1/8 mile (or 90 seconds) Jog 1/2 mile (or 5 minutes) Walk 1/4 mile (or 2-1/2 minutes) Jog 1/4 mile (or 3 minutes) Walk 1/8 mile (or 90 seconds) Jog 1/2 mile (or 5 minutes)
5	Brisk five-minute warmup walk, then: Jog 1/2 mile (or 5 minutes) Walk 1/4 mile (or 3 minutes) Jog 1/2 mile (or 5 minutes) Walk 1/4 mile (or 3 minutes) Jog 1/2 mile (or 5 minutes)	Brisk five-minute warmup walk, then: Jog 3/4 mile (or 8 minutes) Walk 1/2 mile (or 5 minutes) Jog 3/4 mile (or 8 minutes)	Brisk five-minute warmup walk, then jog two miles (or 20 minutes) with no walking.
6	Brisk five-minute warmup walk, then: Jog 1/2 mile (or 5 minutes) Walk 1/4 mile (or 3 minutes) Jog 3/4 mile (or 8 minutes) Walk 1/4 mile (or 3 minutes) Jog 1/2 mile (or 5 minutes)	Brisk five-minute warmup walk, then: Jog 1 mile (or 10 minutes) Walk 1/4 mile (or 3 minutes) Jog 1 mile (or 10 minutes)	Brisk five-minute warmup walk, then jog 2-1/4 miles (or 22 minutes) with no walking.
7	Brisk five-minute warmup walk, then jog 2.5 miles (or 25 minutes).	Brisk five-minute warmup walk, then jog 2.5 miles (or 25 minutes).	Brisk five-minute warmup walk, then jog 2.5 miles (or 25 minutes).
8	Brisk five-minute warmup walk, then jog 2.75 miles (or 28 minutes).	Brisk five-minute warmup walk, then jog 2.75 miles (or 28 minutes).	Brisk five-minute warmup walk, then jog 2.75 miles (or 28 minutes).
9	Brisk five-minute warmup walk, then jog 3 miles (or 30 minutes).	Brisk five-minute warmup walk, then jog 3 miles (or 30 minutes).	The final workout! Congratulations! Brisk five-minute warmup walk, then jog 3 miles (or 30 minutes).

I did it...I completed workout 1!  I used my handy gym boss that I bought almost two years ago!  The first time (and only other time) I tried to use it I thought I was going to die and wasn't able to complete my workout.  Apparently when it says couch to 5K I didn't realize that my gym shorts were practically sewn into the cushions and it was going to take a lot more than a cute little interval timer to get me moving!  This time...very little struggle!  I'm hoping that having something very structured will help me stay on task.  I do well with structure...most days.  I'm not sure that I will be running for 30 minutes in 9 weeks...but one can only hope!

Another change that took place was shutting of the Fit Coach on my BodyMedia.  I am tired of being told what to do or that what I'm doing is not good enough.  I have enough struggle within myself...don't need a computer telling me my faults too!  It's not just the negative comments that bother me...the positive ones do too!  Let me do my thing and if I want your advice...I'll ask!  (A little testy today!)

After all of that rambling, here are some things that I'm thankful for today!

• I'm thankful for waking up at 5:30 this morning.  I know that I wouldn't have exercised today without that early start...it's too hot!  
• I'm thankful for air conditioning! 
• I'm thankful for phone calls with my parents.  Our relationship has changed immensely in the last few years...thankful for that too!  ;)
• I'm thankful for delicious recipes and food creativity that make this journey a little bit easier.
• I'm thankful for summer vacation...those days are certainly numbered!

Thankful Thursday

Today I'm thankful that my dad's surgery went well!  He is on the long road to recovery and I'm thankful that I get to be home and help him out a bit.

I'm thankful for a group of ladies that can get together and talk about life, struggles, and the redemption and restoration that is found through Jesus...even if the meeting didn't got as intended.

I'm thankful for my GPS that helped me navigate crazy back roads with no detour signs.

I'm thankful for a comfy bed to curl up in...even though people are shooting off fireworks on the 11th of July at 11:00 at night!


Definitely feeling the Thursday funk today...but am glad that there are so many things to be thankful for!  

Weigh In Wednesday

It's been a good week!  I am down to 272...and that's with eating out twice in the past two days!  I can do this...yes I can!

I have been working on telling my story for a ladies small group that I am a part of.  It's been challenging for me to digest part of my past and make it public in front of a bunch of ladies that I don't really know very well.  I know this is all part of the healing process and will help me move forward in the end...but we have to get there first!  I may post a video of me sharing my story...not sure.  I'm not sure that I want my face associated with this blog...even though no one reads it!  :)

I will be spending much of the next few weeks at my parents' house.  That's been a struggle in the past...so we'll see what happens!  I'm hoping for good things!

Disordered Habits

The past few Thursdays have not been grand.  Though my eating wasn't awful yesterday, I lacked motivation to do much of anything.  I think this came from spending a few days at my parent's house.

The cycle has continued there.  When I last visited, my brother was doing the Atkins diet...my mom was following weight watchers...and my dad was falling somewhere in between.  This time around everyone was off their diet and there were cookies, fruit crisps, ice cream, doughnuts, candy, chips, etc. everywhere.  I survived, but felt overwhelmed and almost isolated.  I showed my mom my Body Media and showed her how I was tracking everything.  She seemed impressed with the technology piece, but thought it would just be too much to maintain.  True, it does get annoying to track everything sometimes, but I also think it's the game changer here.  I felt frustrated/concerned/sad that they had given up on their endeavors...and almost wanted to cover up my own successes to not make them feel bad.

The not bad news (but not good news) is that I'm still at the same weight I was last time I checked in.  The reality is, it could have been a lot worse! It's tough to go into someone else's kitchen and make healthy choices when a lot of the staples in my diet at home are missing.  I think that's where they are right now too...they have healthy-ish foods...but aren't really able to bring them together to make meals that are desirable and sustainable.  

The common denominator here I think is that my whole family has a slew of disordered habits...especially eating habits.  I think they've tried for so long (though not long enough) without results that it becomes easier to give up.  I think we run to "safe" foods because we think they will help us get to our end goal...even if we don't like those "safe" foods.  When you don't like what you're eating...you're not going to get much accomplished and give up a lot easier!  My mom kept offering me weight watchers frozen dinners...  Those are safe to her...and fine if you like them...but I don't like them.  I don't want to waste calories on something that I know I'm not going to enjoy.  

Now...just talking about me specifically.  When I'm home, I weigh everything.  If the serving size says 28 grams, that is exactly how much I put on my plate.  For the most part, I don't see anything wrong with this.  I think it's ok to "train" my eye to what each serving amount actually looks like.  BUT...I have noticed that not having access to a food scale gives me some anxiety.  How do you find the balance between monitoring what you're eating and becoming a calorie/serving control freak?  I'm completely cool with a meal a day or a snack...but when I have to evaluate every bite for days...I'm lost!  

So...today has started well in the food department.  The exercise department is another story...but I will get up and move.  I have to.  

Oh...and based on the recent crapiness of Thursdays...I've now deemed them Thankful Thursdays.  I will be thinking of the good in those days from now on!  :)