Fear of Succeeding

Oh Charlie Brown…you said it buddy!  I've spent the past few days totally sabotaging myself and all of the hard work that I've put in thus far this month.  I was thinking over the goals that I set at the beginning of the month.  Here they are…

1. Lose 4% of my body weight.
2. Finish reading Every Body Matters by Gary Thomas. 
3. Move more. 

As of Sunday morning…I had met my 4% loss.  The lowest weight I've seen in 5+ months registered on the scale!  260.5  Woohoo!  I had been testing myself to see if I could win a Diet Bet.  In November/December I signed up for one and lost my money!  :(  I knew that there was going to be a new challenge coming up and that I wanted to participate…but didn't want to lose any more $$.

So…I signed up for another Diet Bet.  What's another 4%!?  But guess what happened next...  I've binged each night since then.  It's crazy.  I spend all day meticulously tracking every bite that goes into my mouth.  Every gram is accounted for…but then 8:00 rolls around.  I have enough calories left to eat some popcorn…but then I want something sweet…then something salty…then sweet again.  Ugh!  

I know one of the biggest issues is that I haven't been out of the house since Friday due to more snow and frigid temperatures.  Usually I could walk it off or find something active to do…but today I didn't even have a car. Yes…I'm making excuses…but my hope and prayer is that when the weather goes away…so does this crazy urge!  

I have 3 days to get back down to my 4% loss.  I need to do this!

Made It Monday!

So…my goal this morning was to walk a lap around my subdivision every hour.  This got pretty old pretty fast.  So instead, I decided to just time my walks.  Each loop around (about 1 mile) takes me about 20 minutes.  I ended up taking several longer walks to give myself a few bigger chunks of "down time".

20 minutes X 10 times = 200 minutes = 3 hours 20 minutes

Here's the data:

Actually…I was 10 minutes short of my time so I decided to swing by Kroger on my way home from small group to walk the aisles.  I spent about 25 minutes walking up and down every aisle…but only 8 registered.  I figured this might happen…it has in the past.  I guess when you push a cart you lean on it…and you're not moving your arms…?  That's ok…it was getting late and I was getting tired.

Just a little comparison to show you how today compares to the little activity I've done this past week…this was a personal best for sure!

And the good stuff...

I'm proud of myself for following through.  I actually kind of enjoyed it.  It gave me a lot of time to think about everything under the sun as I didn't listen to music at all. And I'm pretty sure I'm going to sleep like a rock tonight!  

We're supposed to get more snow tonight…I'm not sure that I can do this again tomorrow!  

Snow Day…Again

So we have another snow day today, and honestly, I'm over it!  I desperately just want to get back into a normal schedule and see my kiddos each day.

Instead of lounging around all day, I've decided to challenge myself to get moving! My goal is to make one lap around my subdivision (about a mile) every hour, or at least a total of 10 laps.  I have a feeling there may be times when I take 2 laps at a time in order to skip an hour…we'll see.  I have to do something after my eating this weekend! Eeek!

Here's to a Movin' Monday!

Busy, busy, busy!

Wow!  I finally had a full week of school and it really wiped me out!  Things are still going well overall.  Meal planning has been wonderful in helping me stay on track.  I actually meet with the corporation wellness coach tomorrow to discuss my goal progress.  The last time we met I said I wanted to be more intentional with my evening meals.  I found that I was coming home starving and would grab the first thing I could find…which was usually junk.  I would fill up on snacky foods and not be hungry for dinner.  Then later at night I would be hungry again so I would eat more junk.  Vicious cycle that had me standing still in my weight loss journey.

So…the food part of life has been pretty good.  The exercise portion…not so much.  I've been meeting my steps and movement quota for the day, but honestly I haven't done anything on top of what my normal day requires.  SO…my goal this week is to actually exercise each day…even if it is only 10 minutes of intentional walking.

Well…I better get back in the kitchen to prep meals for this next week.  On the menu:  stuffed pepper soup, egg and veggie quiche, chicken with veggies and wild rice, taco salads?

Real Food Makes All The Difference

I've spent the week snowed in…literally.  I haven't left my house except to shovel snow since last Friday night.  This extra time has been much appreciated!  I've been able to clean my house (almost finished) and do some good meal planning and cooking.

One thing I've noticed is how much of a difference eating REAL food has made.  The days when I ate junk I was left ravenous as the sun went down.  I would eat something sweet mid-day (snow ice cream) and then just want to eat and eat and eat.  Here's a little proof:

• Thursday: 2,871
• Friday: 2,400
• Saturday: 3,088
• Sunday: 2,024
• Monday: 2,569
• Tuesday: 1,755
• Wednesday: 1,335
• Thursday: 1,380

The past three days have been amazing!  It really hasn't even been about meeting my calorie goals.  I've eaten good, solid food at each meal and haven't really needed to eat anything extra.  The only down side is that I'm running out of prepped food as the week is coming to a close…time to come up with some ideas for next week.  This may be somewhat of a challenge if I don't make a trip to the store.  I have plenty of food that could work…but I'm running low and fresh veggies.  On the other hand, maybe I'll just finish what I have at home first.  I've realized how much of a food hoarder I am and how much usually goes to waste.

Maybe I'll leave my house…someday.  

Project 2014: Find Me a Man!

I try not to dwell on it a lot and very rarely speak about it publicly as not to seem too desperate, but this singleness stuff sucks!  There are so many things in life that would be (in theory) so much easier if I had a man around here!  These thoughts and emotions have been stewing in me the past few days as I've been snowed in...

8 Foot Drift…No BIG Deal!

School is Buried Closed!

For one thing…all of this snow has been insane!  I shoveled three different times on Sunday as it was coming down in hopes of alleviating some of the chore of doing it all at once.  Honestly, I enjoyed shoveling…the first two times.  The third time left me a little cranky and in a pity party. You see, the third time I spent about two hours wrestling with the insane amounts of snow at the bottom of my small driveway that was packed in by the snowplow.  This is always my least favorite part…the 4X12 stretch from hell.  There was no where to put the snow…the piles on either side of my driveway were already way taller than me. It would have been nice to have someone…anyone…share that burden with me.

I became especially cranky when my neighbors came out after I did and went in before me.  They had snowblowers and four wheelers with blades…even cleaned someone else's driveway that hadn't started!  Seriously?  What about me?  The person who has spent 4+ hours shoveling!  Could you help a woman out?  Ok…guess not.  

See…the part that really annoys me is that I became so bent out of shape over all this!  Why did they have to help the people that haven't even spent a moment outside today?  Can't they see that I'm struggling over here?  Oh…the people that live there are older? They probably couldn't do it themselves?  I have a scary ski mask on that makes me look like a bank robber?  I AM able?  Got it.  

I was HUNGRY after coming in from the cold.  I was trying to determine if I really was hungry or just wanted some solace.  I think it probably was a combination of the two…but being I had worked so hard the whole day I fixed myself a low calorie snack and went to bed.  

Yesterday was a good day.  I prepped food for the week and had an awesome day…until about 10:00 when the anxiety eating set in.  I realized at that point that the water I had set in my garage to "test" the temperature had frozen.  Eeek!  The last thing I wanted to happen was have my pipes freeze.  So I stuffed towels in the garage door to eliminate any draft…opened the screen on the screen door and opened the main door to the kitchen to share heat…set up a space heater to add a little warmth.  But what if my furnace stops?  What if the power goes out?  What if the space heater in the garage starts a fire and I don't realize it because I'm sleeping at the other end of the house?  What if…? Not to mention the crazy sounds coming from outside…which I learned this morning that I wasn't the only one being freaked out by these…

So…this kind of anxiety might explain why I'm still single!  :/  It would just be nice to have someone to talk to…someone to bounce ideas off of…someone else to share responsibility.  

As I lay in bed after turning off the space heater in the garage and eating 14 Starburst and two pieces of raisin Ezekiel bread…I prayed for peace…and slept like a baby.  Prayer…what novel idea!

So…I guess I'm ready for another day!  Still many thoughts to come on singleness…this was just the very tip of the iceberg and I'm sure there will be much more time for thinking as my snow shovel and I have a date...

Hopefully I don't freeze out there...

***And this is the very reason I didn't write this post as I was fuming the other night.  I just came in from shoveling my driveway and was only out there 20 minutes at most!  Yesterday I didn't step foot outside because the temps were ridiculously low and I couldn't get my front door open due to drifting.  I kept checking the status of my driveway throughout the day through a bedroom window.  I could see bare spots, but figured the garage door had a huge drift in front of it.  As I worked my way through the big drift at the front door and down the sidewalk…I realized that there were tracks on my driveway…my clear driveway!  Someone must have used their snowblower in my driveway yesterday!  I'm not sure how I didn't hear it, but I am so thankful that they helped share that burden with me.  This gave me plenty of energy to dig out my mailbox that was frozen shut!  So maybe  it should be "Project 2014:  Chill Out and Be Thankful"!

Part of the Whole

Shoveling snow this morning for the first of many times today served as the perfect time and place for some deep thinking.  Currently, I'm sucking at this weight loss thing!  I get frustrated with myself because I know what to do (for the most part) and seem to be following through…but then crumble at the end of the day.  Where is this evening apathy coming from?

I also thought back a bit to the summer and wondered how I was able to be so successful.  Then I remembered that every second was spent thinking about weight loss…every calorie was pre-calculated for hours before consumption…everything mapped out and pre-planned.  Is that REALLY what I want for my life?  Is calorie counting even the way to go?

Some of this thinking comes about from yesterday's experiences.  I had an AWESOME day!  It was 8:00 p.m. and I was right where I needed to be with my calories.  I wanted something crunchy so I had some celery and peanut butter…about 150 calories worth…still had about 70 calories left in the bank.  But then the peanut butter was just too sweet and I wanted something salty.  Salty and crunchy.  Why not have some of those baked potato chips that I had made earlier?  OR…how about the whole bag!?  I was already way over my limit for the day…so why not have something sweet now?  And the cycle continued.  (I also kept thinking in my mind that tomorrow/Sunday is the start of a new week.  This one has been rotten…so why not finish it that way and start strong tomorrow?)

As I was alone in the cold…shoveling in the silence…I realized that I ate the equivalent of 4 potatoes yesterday!  I would never in my life sit down and eat 4 baked potatoes in one day…week…or probably even month!  But all in one day!?  And then to continue with something sweet?  Yuck.  It makes me sick thinking about it…and it certainly didn't leave me feeling at my best last night when it happened!

So where do I go next?  I want to live a normal life one day…one that isn't consumed by thoughts of food, calories, numbers, deficits…  And then this quote was waiting for me when I came inside...

This is only part of my life…and I need to keep that perspective.  

Father, help me to surrender this part of my life to You.  I know this isn't what your plan is for me.  

A different way to look at things...

So we're 4 days into the new year and no day has been perfect…that's for sure!  Last year I read Made to Crave by Lysa Terkeurst.  Here are some of the notes that I took about not just relying on the scale to see progress.

Define your week by obedience, not by a number on the scale.

1. Did I overeat this week on any day?
2. Did I move more and exercise regularly?
3. Do I feel lighter than I did at this time last week?
4. Did I eat in secret or out of anger or frustration?
5. Did I feel that at any point I ran to food instead of God?
6. Before I hopped on the scale, did I think I'd had a successful week?

I think part of my problem is that I'm still on winter break, just waiting to go back to school, waiting for life to begin again.  I know…this is an excuse.  The biggest success that I had in 2013 was on my summer break when I had all the time in the world.  Another part of the problem is that it's freezing outside!  I was able to get in some good activity shoveling snow, but other than that, I want to stay snuggled up inside with a blanket and a movie.  

I've noticed the biggest issue for me arrises after 7 p.m.  By this time, my calorie count for the day is usually still in check.  But then I get bored…  I make the mistake of watching cooking shows on tv…or see too many pictures of yummy food on Facebook and Pinterest.  I start out only eating a portion of the less healthy food…and then decide I'm doing myself a favor by eating more.  Here's my theory:  If I finish this bag of chocolate…then I'll only mess up one day instead of two.  If I eat the rest of these cheetos, I'll have them out of the house (which was the case…until my mom brought them to me yesterday…couldn't just throw them out and waste "food"!) 

And that right there is the exact reason why the scale hasn't moved down in the past 4-5 months.  It's fluctuated up and down between 265-275 for week after week.  Of course I was frustrated…but unwilling to own the real issue.  

The good news is that I'm starting to own the issue.  Even though the habit hasn't died, I'm keeping track of it.  It kills me to track these numbers…and I about died as I reviewed what I've actually eaten!  

• January 1: 1,822 (Not bad…but food included the last of the Gingerbread Twix, beef jerky, Cordial Blueberries, and Golden Graham Treats)
• January 2: 2,871 (The last of the Cordial Blueberries, beef jerky, chocolate covered cherries, and Golden Graham Treats)
• January 3: 2,400-2500 (A safe estimate…but I finished the Golden Graham Treats, finished the Cheetos, and ate a whole bag of croutons because I wanted something crunchy)

So far the day has started out well…and there really isn't much to choose from anymore (because I gave myself a "favor" earlier this week).  

Thank God for new beginnings!  

And so it begins...

Overall, I'd say that 2013 was a great year!  I may not have met all of the goals I set last January, but I surely made some nice progress in each (most) of the areas!  Instead of making a super long list for 2014, I've decided to make a few goals each month.  Hopefully a more realistic approach will help me conquer this year!

But before I go there...I want to recap a bit of 2013.  So many positive things have happened within the last year.  I'm sure I'm forgetting many highlights...but here are just a few in no particular order...

• This year, Christmas was different.  For as long as I can remember (10+ years at least) I've hated the holidays.  They have always been a time of high stress, fighting, overeating, and serious depression.  All of that is bad enough, not to mention the obnoxious music on EVERY radio station, crowded shopping experiences, and gaudy decorations everywhere you look!  It's been a long standing joke amongst friends and family that I hate Christmas..but am still a fan of Jesus.  That's been my slogan for years. I don't think people really understood how serious I was about the whole issue...  But this year really was different.  I entered the holiday season with more gratitude and less attitude.  I found myself listening to the radio in the car, watching Christmas movies on Netflix, and decorating my house and classroom.  Big changes.  The biggest change though has been inside.  I don't really even know how to explain it, but this year I feel like I haven't felt in years.  I am happy.  I am thankful.  I am able to celebrate.  
• I have met and become friends with some great people from my church!  Throughout the year I was a part of 3 different small groups...2 that will be continuing in 2014.  It has been super refreshing to meet people from all walks of life and to learn from/with them.  It has given me a greater appreciation for my church and our wonderful leadership.
• While on the topic of church, 2013 was the year that I finally got involved.  The first Sunday that I attended The River was way back in the fall of 2008.  I had just graduated from college, landed my first teaching job, and was on the search for a church.  My friend and I went through the church directory in the local paper and visited 20+ churches before we visited The River.  After the service as over, I knew that I was home!  I didn't go consistently for at least another year or so...life was busy...the church kept changing locations..and I found it incredibly hard to get connected.  But this year I put aside some of my anxieties about church and signed up for one of the lowest risk jobs out there...bulletin passer-outer.  And I do it with a smile!
• I started working out with a group of people at school.  As part of our wellness initiative, we have a wellness coach that we meet with several times a year.  She is also teaching a workout class called Move 45.  We meet every Monday and Thursday for 45 minutes of movement!  It's intense and I'm usually hurting when we're done, but I'm also now keeping up with the majority of the class!
• I've lost weight!  I think this is the first time ever that I can say I've been successful at intentional weight loss!  I'm not where I want to be, but I'm further from where I used to be!  I received many compliments when I returned to school this fall.  I don't remember a time when I've felt this good physically!  

I must say, I'm excited about 2014!  I want to continue on my health journey, meet more people, continue to build relationships, and expand this brain of mine.  Here are my January goals...

1. Lose 4% of my body weight.  (Doing a DietBet by myself instead of putting $20 on the line...didn't work out for me so well last time!  I don't imagine this will be too much of an issue after the overindulgence I experienced over the holiday.  If I go back to what I was doing, I know I'll see results!  This will also put me in the 250s!)
2. Finish reading Every Body Matters by Gary Thomas.  (I'm 3 chapters in...I can do this!) 
3. Move more.  (My goals on my BodyMedia are 45 minutes of moderate activity a day and 8,000 steps.  Shouldn't be a problem for most days...)

And there it is!  I'm looking forward to a terrific January!