It's been a long time since I've blogged! A lot has happened in the last few months, but not too many things that are out of the ordinary. I've been struggling lately with a variety of things...
Singleness is tough. There are so many things that happen in my daily life where it would just be nice to have a man around. My car breaks...the lawn mower won't start...the satellite dish is hanging off my roof...I have a church event to go to. Life, in so many ways, would be easier if I had someone to walk along side of me.
It's tough to think that I'm getting older...and I'm still alone. Does no one want me? Find me desirable? Want to love me? When will he come along?
His timing is perfect. I must. remember. this.
Sunday, November 25, 2012
Monday, April 16, 2012
Hypochondriac?
For as long as I can remember, I've never been healthy. Sure, I'm obese and there are a lot of medical complications that come with that, but I never feel well. Every blood and poop sample have come back normal...but I don't feel it.
I've had digestive issues for as long as I can remember. For a while I thought that it was some sort of "curse" that a man placed on me when I was in middle school. The man, known for his ministry of healing, spoke healing to my stomach area. Up until that time, I really had no issues. Since then, I've had cramps, incredible diarrhea, and some days non-stop trips to the bathroom. Is this normal? It got increasingly worse after a trip to Honduras. I was convinced that I "caught" something while I was there. All medical tests came back normal.
Ever since high school, I've had a tremor. I got it checked out in college and they told me that it was a benign familial essential tremor. Fancy words at that time in my life... Years later it has progressed and gotten a little worse. As of 2 weeks ago I now have a thumb twitch that I never had before. Sometimes there's an eye twitch and a leg twitch to throw in there too.
About three weeks ago I started feeling this burning sensation in my lower left leg. What the heck is that? It feels like there is a heater directly on it, but yet there is no redness or even heat to the touch. Am I losing my mind? Am I dieing?
I think with all of the cancer in my life, I get nervous when things "go wrong". What exactly is wrong with me? Do these symptons mean anything?
I get sick of hearing myself say that I don't feel well... I'm sure people around me are sick of hearing it too! I used to say it to get attention from others...now I say it out of habit...and it's quite annoying!
Someday...maybe I will find some answers. Until that point, I'm going to keep wondering, but stop freaking out! It's time to just let this rest in my Father's hands...something else I'm not great at. I always want someone else to pray on my behalf...what happened to me praying for myself?
Anyway...better head out on that note.
I've had digestive issues for as long as I can remember. For a while I thought that it was some sort of "curse" that a man placed on me when I was in middle school. The man, known for his ministry of healing, spoke healing to my stomach area. Up until that time, I really had no issues. Since then, I've had cramps, incredible diarrhea, and some days non-stop trips to the bathroom. Is this normal? It got increasingly worse after a trip to Honduras. I was convinced that I "caught" something while I was there. All medical tests came back normal.
Ever since high school, I've had a tremor. I got it checked out in college and they told me that it was a benign familial essential tremor. Fancy words at that time in my life... Years later it has progressed and gotten a little worse. As of 2 weeks ago I now have a thumb twitch that I never had before. Sometimes there's an eye twitch and a leg twitch to throw in there too.
About three weeks ago I started feeling this burning sensation in my lower left leg. What the heck is that? It feels like there is a heater directly on it, but yet there is no redness or even heat to the touch. Am I losing my mind? Am I dieing?
I think with all of the cancer in my life, I get nervous when things "go wrong". What exactly is wrong with me? Do these symptons mean anything?
I get sick of hearing myself say that I don't feel well... I'm sure people around me are sick of hearing it too! I used to say it to get attention from others...now I say it out of habit...and it's quite annoying!
Someday...maybe I will find some answers. Until that point, I'm going to keep wondering, but stop freaking out! It's time to just let this rest in my Father's hands...something else I'm not great at. I always want someone else to pray on my behalf...what happened to me praying for myself?
Anyway...better head out on that note.
Saturday, April 14, 2012
Reset, Restart, Renew
I've taken two weeks off and it's gotten me no where that I want to be.
The first week was spring break. I spent the week at my parents' house. Almost everything they do revolves around food. The first day was a full day of cooking, eating, and spending time with family. We spent a day shopping in Amish country jumping from store to store...candy store...grocery store...cheese store...bakery...cheese store... Are you picking up on all of this?
Early in my break I cleared off the counter in the kitchen. There were chips, crackers, cookies, candy, more chips, dried fruit, chocolate, more crackers, rice krispie treats, etc. on the counter all day long. I wonder why my whole family is so overweight...? The clean counter really helped for a few days...
Then the stress and drama of my grandparents started to set in. I have always been self conscious of my weight, especially around my grandparents. I have never felt like I've been good enough for them. They both are skinny...and my grandma is always making comments about her weight...I can't imagine the things she says about me. Generally she doesn't say anything to me...but I know her thoughts aren't always positive. For as long as I can remember I've privately binged while my grandparents are around. I wait until they go downstairs, go for a walk, or leave the room before I grab a snack. I did this over spring break. It wasn't way out of control, but it didn't help any progress.
This past week has been filled with eating...Easter, leftovers, birthday celebrations, dinner with friends. I've over indulged all week and I feel like crap for it. Today I did nothing but eat, sleep, and watch tv. Today is my "last day".
Tomorrow I'm starting again. I'm starting with a facebook fast. Healthy eating. Exercise. I've got to meet that goal of 275. I know that I won't meet that by the end of the month...but I need to get a whole lot closer than I am. I plan on updating this more frequently with progress.
Restart.
The first week was spring break. I spent the week at my parents' house. Almost everything they do revolves around food. The first day was a full day of cooking, eating, and spending time with family. We spent a day shopping in Amish country jumping from store to store...candy store...grocery store...cheese store...bakery...cheese store... Are you picking up on all of this?
Early in my break I cleared off the counter in the kitchen. There were chips, crackers, cookies, candy, more chips, dried fruit, chocolate, more crackers, rice krispie treats, etc. on the counter all day long. I wonder why my whole family is so overweight...? The clean counter really helped for a few days...
Then the stress and drama of my grandparents started to set in. I have always been self conscious of my weight, especially around my grandparents. I have never felt like I've been good enough for them. They both are skinny...and my grandma is always making comments about her weight...I can't imagine the things she says about me. Generally she doesn't say anything to me...but I know her thoughts aren't always positive. For as long as I can remember I've privately binged while my grandparents are around. I wait until they go downstairs, go for a walk, or leave the room before I grab a snack. I did this over spring break. It wasn't way out of control, but it didn't help any progress.
This past week has been filled with eating...Easter, leftovers, birthday celebrations, dinner with friends. I've over indulged all week and I feel like crap for it. Today I did nothing but eat, sleep, and watch tv. Today is my "last day".
Tomorrow I'm starting again. I'm starting with a facebook fast. Healthy eating. Exercise. I've got to meet that goal of 275. I know that I won't meet that by the end of the month...but I need to get a whole lot closer than I am. I plan on updating this more frequently with progress.
Restart.
Friday, March 30, 2012
Pause Button
I feel like I've hit the pause button for the last few days. It started with me feeling sick Wednesday night. I was very dizzy. Any sort of movement made me want to throw up. Why? Was I dying? Did I eat too much? Did I not eat enough? A few empty google searches and I decided just to go to bed early.
Thursday was a better day, but I still wasn't feeling fantastic. It's Friday and I can't say that I've arrived there yet. But Thursday we ordered pizza at work. We got thin crust...and it had chicken on it...so it couldn't have been that bad...but it was. It's like eating that flipped a switch inside of me. All I wanted to do was eat. Even though my choices weren't horrible and I still monitored portion size, it made me feel less of a success. The number on the scale went up and my self worth and drive kind of fizzeled.
It's Friday night. I had a cupcake today from a student's birthday. Then I ate the left over pizza that they were going to throw away. Add in some chips and salsa and some pumpkin cookies and it seems like I'm back to my old ways. Whereas I've been using 1/2 a page for tracking my food intake...today I needed the whole page.
I just don't know what to do. I want to do this the correct way...the healthy way...but that stamina and desires seems to have gone out the window. I do think that my body was angry with me because I wasn't eating enough calories...or maybe just not the right things. Up until the pizza, I wasn't eating a lot of carbs. Maybe my body was trying to fight that. I lay here tonight feeling disgusting and bloated. When I stepped on the scale a few minutes ago it said 300.8. Never to see that number again...that sure lasted long! Ugh!
My prayer and hope is to get back on track with this. It's going to be difficult though. I'm going home to my parent's house...the holidays are here...and so are my grandparents. I know there will be temptation right and left as well as added stressors. Lord help me! I will not let this defeat me!
Thursday was a better day, but I still wasn't feeling fantastic. It's Friday and I can't say that I've arrived there yet. But Thursday we ordered pizza at work. We got thin crust...and it had chicken on it...so it couldn't have been that bad...but it was. It's like eating that flipped a switch inside of me. All I wanted to do was eat. Even though my choices weren't horrible and I still monitored portion size, it made me feel less of a success. The number on the scale went up and my self worth and drive kind of fizzeled.
It's Friday night. I had a cupcake today from a student's birthday. Then I ate the left over pizza that they were going to throw away. Add in some chips and salsa and some pumpkin cookies and it seems like I'm back to my old ways. Whereas I've been using 1/2 a page for tracking my food intake...today I needed the whole page.
I just don't know what to do. I want to do this the correct way...the healthy way...but that stamina and desires seems to have gone out the window. I do think that my body was angry with me because I wasn't eating enough calories...or maybe just not the right things. Up until the pizza, I wasn't eating a lot of carbs. Maybe my body was trying to fight that. I lay here tonight feeling disgusting and bloated. When I stepped on the scale a few minutes ago it said 300.8. Never to see that number again...that sure lasted long! Ugh!
My prayer and hope is to get back on track with this. It's going to be difficult though. I'm going home to my parent's house...the holidays are here...and so are my grandparents. I know there will be temptation right and left as well as added stressors. Lord help me! I will not let this defeat me!
Wednesday, March 28, 2012
Ready...Get Start...Go!
There have been many false starts around here. Several times throughout the past few months I've thought about different things to blog about, but never took the time and effort to type them out. My head is swelling with information and emotions rights now. Today my typing comes from a point of desperation. In the coming weeks and months I hope to weed through so many of the things that have been entangling me for the past 26 years of my life. It's time for change...and I think I might actually get somewhere this time! That's my prayer at least...
A little less than three weeks ago I decided that I was finally going to do it. I was finally going to break the cycle of obesity that has held me captive all of my life. I think is started with hearing a song at church. There is power in the name of Jesus to break every chain. Every chain.
There are a lot of reason why I have weighed 330 pounds at my heaviest. A lot of it is still in my head...or burried deep...and those are the things that I want to work through in the coming days. I don't expect anyone to ever read these words... I just need to get them out.
I have had success in the last few weeks. This morning was a victory for me! I have not seen the 200s since probably middle school. I'm there. I also got to wear a pair of jeans that I didn't even know that I had--most likely because they have never fit. On top of that, I found a dollar in my closet!
So far I have kept my "journey" a secret. I know that's not something you're supposed to do, you're supposed to have accountability, etc. That's part of my problem...I don't want anyone to know what I'm doing. I think more than anything that this is a way to avoid failure and embarrassment. If no one knows that I'm working toward this new goal, they can't laugh at me when I fail. I know (putting teacher/rational hat on) that no one will actually laugh at me if I fail. However, I am so afraid of embarrassment. I don't have enough confidence in myself to believe that I'm going to make it.
I was doing so-so with all of this stuff in my brain until this afternoon. I met with my principal for a post-observation. He said nothing bad, he had positive feedback, but I'm having a really hard time hearing it right now. The truth is that there are many things about me that are broken. I've tried to hide them for a really long time and no one has ever said anything. Those days are over. He told me that he hasn't quite figured it out...but that I appear to lack confidence in case conferences. True...mostly. How do I get over this feeling that sweeps over me when I know I'm in the spot light.
The drive home was a little rough. I wanted to cry...but haven't. I wanted to scream...but didn't. In the past, there are many different things that I would turn to in order to solve the problem. I don't want to do those things. I am truly just seeking answers. No self-destructive habits...I just want to get better. I thought about Christian counseling. Been there...done that...and at the time it did a lot of good! Maybe I need to go there again?
But for now I'm going foward...one step at a time...and hope to find healing along the way.
My next main weight loss goal is to lose 10% of my weight. That's 276 by the end of April. I think I can do it. I hope that I have enough strength to persevere through spring break. For once in my life, I feel like I've got this. I guess we'll see!
A little less than three weeks ago I decided that I was finally going to do it. I was finally going to break the cycle of obesity that has held me captive all of my life. I think is started with hearing a song at church. There is power in the name of Jesus to break every chain. Every chain.
There are a lot of reason why I have weighed 330 pounds at my heaviest. A lot of it is still in my head...or burried deep...and those are the things that I want to work through in the coming days. I don't expect anyone to ever read these words... I just need to get them out.
I have had success in the last few weeks. This morning was a victory for me! I have not seen the 200s since probably middle school. I'm there. I also got to wear a pair of jeans that I didn't even know that I had--most likely because they have never fit. On top of that, I found a dollar in my closet!
So far I have kept my "journey" a secret. I know that's not something you're supposed to do, you're supposed to have accountability, etc. That's part of my problem...I don't want anyone to know what I'm doing. I think more than anything that this is a way to avoid failure and embarrassment. If no one knows that I'm working toward this new goal, they can't laugh at me when I fail. I know (putting teacher/rational hat on) that no one will actually laugh at me if I fail. However, I am so afraid of embarrassment. I don't have enough confidence in myself to believe that I'm going to make it.
I was doing so-so with all of this stuff in my brain until this afternoon. I met with my principal for a post-observation. He said nothing bad, he had positive feedback, but I'm having a really hard time hearing it right now. The truth is that there are many things about me that are broken. I've tried to hide them for a really long time and no one has ever said anything. Those days are over. He told me that he hasn't quite figured it out...but that I appear to lack confidence in case conferences. True...mostly. How do I get over this feeling that sweeps over me when I know I'm in the spot light.
The drive home was a little rough. I wanted to cry...but haven't. I wanted to scream...but didn't. In the past, there are many different things that I would turn to in order to solve the problem. I don't want to do those things. I am truly just seeking answers. No self-destructive habits...I just want to get better. I thought about Christian counseling. Been there...done that...and at the time it did a lot of good! Maybe I need to go there again?
But for now I'm going foward...one step at a time...and hope to find healing along the way.
My next main weight loss goal is to lose 10% of my weight. That's 276 by the end of April. I think I can do it. I hope that I have enough strength to persevere through spring break. For once in my life, I feel like I've got this. I guess we'll see!
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