There have been many false starts around here. Several times throughout the past few months I've thought about different things to blog about, but never took the time and effort to type them out. My head is swelling with information and emotions rights now. Today my typing comes from a point of desperation. In the coming weeks and months I hope to weed through so many of the things that have been entangling me for the past 26 years of my life. It's time for change...and I think I might actually get somewhere this time! That's my prayer at least...
A little less than three weeks ago I decided that I was finally going to do it. I was finally going to break the cycle of obesity that has held me captive all of my life. I think is started with hearing a song at church. There is power in the name of Jesus to break every chain. Every chain.
There are a lot of reason why I have weighed 330 pounds at my heaviest. A lot of it is still in my head...or burried deep...and those are the things that I want to work through in the coming days. I don't expect anyone to ever read these words... I just need to get them out.
I have had success in the last few weeks. This morning was a victory for me! I have not seen the 200s since probably middle school. I'm there. I also got to wear a pair of jeans that I didn't even know that I had--most likely because they have never fit. On top of that, I found a dollar in my closet!
So far I have kept my "journey" a secret. I know that's not something you're supposed to do, you're supposed to have accountability, etc. That's part of my problem...I don't want anyone to know what I'm doing. I think more than anything that this is a way to avoid failure and embarrassment. If no one knows that I'm working toward this new goal, they can't laugh at me when I fail. I know (putting teacher/rational hat on) that no one will actually laugh at me if I fail. However, I am so afraid of embarrassment. I don't have enough confidence in myself to believe that I'm going to make it.
I was doing so-so with all of this stuff in my brain until this afternoon. I met with my principal for a post-observation. He said nothing bad, he had positive feedback, but I'm having a really hard time hearing it right now. The truth is that there are many things about me that are broken. I've tried to hide them for a really long time and no one has ever said anything. Those days are over. He told me that he hasn't quite figured it out...but that I appear to lack confidence in case conferences. True...mostly. How do I get over this feeling that sweeps over me when I know I'm in the spot light.
The drive home was a little rough. I wanted to cry...but haven't. I wanted to scream...but didn't. In the past, there are many different things that I would turn to in order to solve the problem. I don't want to do those things. I am truly just seeking answers. No self-destructive habits...I just want to get better. I thought about Christian counseling. Been there...done that...and at the time it did a lot of good! Maybe I need to go there again?
But for now I'm going foward...one step at a time...and hope to find healing along the way.
My next main weight loss goal is to lose 10% of my weight. That's 276 by the end of April. I think I can do it. I hope that I have enough strength to persevere through spring break. For once in my life, I feel like I've got this. I guess we'll see!
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