One foot in front of the other...

I'm having a hard time moving forward.  There are so many things that I want in life, but it's as if I'm afraid to leave this place of comfort.  I don't know what it's like to be successful at weight loss.  I don't know what it's like to weigh well under 300 pounds.  There are so many feelings of uncertainty...and the moment I have a little bit of success...I make sure it doesn't happen again.  Constantly going back before I can move forward.

There has been so much freedom in my life in the past few months...freedom from things that have held me captive for so many years.  Today I found myself turning to those things again...just because I can...and because I'm bored.

I gave up Facebook for lent.  I think this has been one of the hardest things I've done in a long time.  I've become so focused on other people's lives...their successes...struggles...failures...  I see so many people getting engaged...married...having kids.  And then there is me.  I've got nothing.  It's like Facebook has become my idol.  I know I spend far more time viewing the lives of others than I do anything else...especially spending time with God.  I've been fairly successful with staying away from fb...but haven't made such great strides with spending time with God.  Maybe that will change tomorrow...

Enough for now...I anticipate that I'll be back sooner next time...have a little extra time on my hands now-a-days!

Alone.

I find the biggest obstacles in my life come from living alone.  It's not just the occupancy of my household that I'm talking about...though that kind of bites too.  Day to day I live my life in a way that is held secret from everyone around me.

It's no shocker that I have a weight problem.   Anyone that sees me must know that there is something wrong with me in order for me to be this big.  But truthfully...my eating habits in front of people have been spot on.  The problem comes when I'm home at night and no one is around.  I have found myself cramming things into my mouth.  I have gone through 4 bags of chips this week.  Unfortunately I'm not talking about the snack size...  They were all "natural" chips...but still filled with thousands and thousands of calories.  I find myself falling down the slippery slope and then only wanting to continue.  Right now...that's all I can think about!  Eating those salty crispy snacks!

Today my parents stopped by somewhat unannounced.  My house was a disaster!  No one has ever seen my house look like this except for me.  It was embarrassing...but more than anything...it made me realize how I keep things from other people and don't allow them to see the real me.  I think most people would be appalled if they saw the condition of my house...or at least would never believe it was my house!

Hmm...just not sure how to feel right now.  I want to shed this extra weight....but kind of find that bag of chips calling for me instead.