I feel like I've hit the pause button for the last few days. It started with me feeling sick Wednesday night. I was very dizzy. Any sort of movement made me want to throw up. Why? Was I dying? Did I eat too much? Did I not eat enough? A few empty google searches and I decided just to go to bed early.
Thursday was a better day, but I still wasn't feeling fantastic. It's Friday and I can't say that I've arrived there yet. But Thursday we ordered pizza at work. We got thin crust...and it had chicken on it...so it couldn't have been that bad...but it was. It's like eating that flipped a switch inside of me. All I wanted to do was eat. Even though my choices weren't horrible and I still monitored portion size, it made me feel less of a success. The number on the scale went up and my self worth and drive kind of fizzeled.
It's Friday night. I had a cupcake today from a student's birthday. Then I ate the left over pizza that they were going to throw away. Add in some chips and salsa and some pumpkin cookies and it seems like I'm back to my old ways. Whereas I've been using 1/2 a page for tracking my food intake...today I needed the whole page.
I just don't know what to do. I want to do this the correct way...the healthy way...but that stamina and desires seems to have gone out the window. I do think that my body was angry with me because I wasn't eating enough calories...or maybe just not the right things. Up until the pizza, I wasn't eating a lot of carbs. Maybe my body was trying to fight that. I lay here tonight feeling disgusting and bloated. When I stepped on the scale a few minutes ago it said 300.8. Never to see that number again...that sure lasted long! Ugh!
My prayer and hope is to get back on track with this. It's going to be difficult though. I'm going home to my parent's house...the holidays are here...and so are my grandparents. I know there will be temptation right and left as well as added stressors. Lord help me! I will not let this defeat me!
Friday, March 30, 2012
Wednesday, March 28, 2012
Ready...Get Start...Go!
There have been many false starts around here. Several times throughout the past few months I've thought about different things to blog about, but never took the time and effort to type them out. My head is swelling with information and emotions rights now. Today my typing comes from a point of desperation. In the coming weeks and months I hope to weed through so many of the things that have been entangling me for the past 26 years of my life. It's time for change...and I think I might actually get somewhere this time! That's my prayer at least...
A little less than three weeks ago I decided that I was finally going to do it. I was finally going to break the cycle of obesity that has held me captive all of my life. I think is started with hearing a song at church. There is power in the name of Jesus to break every chain. Every chain.
There are a lot of reason why I have weighed 330 pounds at my heaviest. A lot of it is still in my head...or burried deep...and those are the things that I want to work through in the coming days. I don't expect anyone to ever read these words... I just need to get them out.
I have had success in the last few weeks. This morning was a victory for me! I have not seen the 200s since probably middle school. I'm there. I also got to wear a pair of jeans that I didn't even know that I had--most likely because they have never fit. On top of that, I found a dollar in my closet!
So far I have kept my "journey" a secret. I know that's not something you're supposed to do, you're supposed to have accountability, etc. That's part of my problem...I don't want anyone to know what I'm doing. I think more than anything that this is a way to avoid failure and embarrassment. If no one knows that I'm working toward this new goal, they can't laugh at me when I fail. I know (putting teacher/rational hat on) that no one will actually laugh at me if I fail. However, I am so afraid of embarrassment. I don't have enough confidence in myself to believe that I'm going to make it.
I was doing so-so with all of this stuff in my brain until this afternoon. I met with my principal for a post-observation. He said nothing bad, he had positive feedback, but I'm having a really hard time hearing it right now. The truth is that there are many things about me that are broken. I've tried to hide them for a really long time and no one has ever said anything. Those days are over. He told me that he hasn't quite figured it out...but that I appear to lack confidence in case conferences. True...mostly. How do I get over this feeling that sweeps over me when I know I'm in the spot light.
The drive home was a little rough. I wanted to cry...but haven't. I wanted to scream...but didn't. In the past, there are many different things that I would turn to in order to solve the problem. I don't want to do those things. I am truly just seeking answers. No self-destructive habits...I just want to get better. I thought about Christian counseling. Been there...done that...and at the time it did a lot of good! Maybe I need to go there again?
But for now I'm going foward...one step at a time...and hope to find healing along the way.
My next main weight loss goal is to lose 10% of my weight. That's 276 by the end of April. I think I can do it. I hope that I have enough strength to persevere through spring break. For once in my life, I feel like I've got this. I guess we'll see!
A little less than three weeks ago I decided that I was finally going to do it. I was finally going to break the cycle of obesity that has held me captive all of my life. I think is started with hearing a song at church. There is power in the name of Jesus to break every chain. Every chain.
There are a lot of reason why I have weighed 330 pounds at my heaviest. A lot of it is still in my head...or burried deep...and those are the things that I want to work through in the coming days. I don't expect anyone to ever read these words... I just need to get them out.
I have had success in the last few weeks. This morning was a victory for me! I have not seen the 200s since probably middle school. I'm there. I also got to wear a pair of jeans that I didn't even know that I had--most likely because they have never fit. On top of that, I found a dollar in my closet!
So far I have kept my "journey" a secret. I know that's not something you're supposed to do, you're supposed to have accountability, etc. That's part of my problem...I don't want anyone to know what I'm doing. I think more than anything that this is a way to avoid failure and embarrassment. If no one knows that I'm working toward this new goal, they can't laugh at me when I fail. I know (putting teacher/rational hat on) that no one will actually laugh at me if I fail. However, I am so afraid of embarrassment. I don't have enough confidence in myself to believe that I'm going to make it.
I was doing so-so with all of this stuff in my brain until this afternoon. I met with my principal for a post-observation. He said nothing bad, he had positive feedback, but I'm having a really hard time hearing it right now. The truth is that there are many things about me that are broken. I've tried to hide them for a really long time and no one has ever said anything. Those days are over. He told me that he hasn't quite figured it out...but that I appear to lack confidence in case conferences. True...mostly. How do I get over this feeling that sweeps over me when I know I'm in the spot light.
The drive home was a little rough. I wanted to cry...but haven't. I wanted to scream...but didn't. In the past, there are many different things that I would turn to in order to solve the problem. I don't want to do those things. I am truly just seeking answers. No self-destructive habits...I just want to get better. I thought about Christian counseling. Been there...done that...and at the time it did a lot of good! Maybe I need to go there again?
But for now I'm going foward...one step at a time...and hope to find healing along the way.
My next main weight loss goal is to lose 10% of my weight. That's 276 by the end of April. I think I can do it. I hope that I have enough strength to persevere through spring break. For once in my life, I feel like I've got this. I guess we'll see!
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