For as long as I can remember, I've never been healthy. Sure, I'm obese and there are a lot of medical complications that come with that, but I never feel well. Every blood and poop sample have come back normal...but I don't feel it.
I've had digestive issues for as long as I can remember. For a while I thought that it was some sort of "curse" that a man placed on me when I was in middle school. The man, known for his ministry of healing, spoke healing to my stomach area. Up until that time, I really had no issues. Since then, I've had cramps, incredible diarrhea, and some days non-stop trips to the bathroom. Is this normal? It got increasingly worse after a trip to Honduras. I was convinced that I "caught" something while I was there. All medical tests came back normal.
Ever since high school, I've had a tremor. I got it checked out in college and they told me that it was a benign familial essential tremor. Fancy words at that time in my life... Years later it has progressed and gotten a little worse. As of 2 weeks ago I now have a thumb twitch that I never had before. Sometimes there's an eye twitch and a leg twitch to throw in there too.
About three weeks ago I started feeling this burning sensation in my lower left leg. What the heck is that? It feels like there is a heater directly on it, but yet there is no redness or even heat to the touch. Am I losing my mind? Am I dieing?
I think with all of the cancer in my life, I get nervous when things "go wrong". What exactly is wrong with me? Do these symptons mean anything?
I get sick of hearing myself say that I don't feel well... I'm sure people around me are sick of hearing it too! I used to say it to get attention from others...now I say it out of habit...and it's quite annoying!
Someday...maybe I will find some answers. Until that point, I'm going to keep wondering, but stop freaking out! It's time to just let this rest in my Father's hands...something else I'm not great at. I always want someone else to pray on my behalf...what happened to me praying for myself?
Anyway...better head out on that note.
Monday, April 16, 2012
Saturday, April 14, 2012
Reset, Restart, Renew
I've taken two weeks off and it's gotten me no where that I want to be.
The first week was spring break. I spent the week at my parents' house. Almost everything they do revolves around food. The first day was a full day of cooking, eating, and spending time with family. We spent a day shopping in Amish country jumping from store to store...candy store...grocery store...cheese store...bakery...cheese store... Are you picking up on all of this?
Early in my break I cleared off the counter in the kitchen. There were chips, crackers, cookies, candy, more chips, dried fruit, chocolate, more crackers, rice krispie treats, etc. on the counter all day long. I wonder why my whole family is so overweight...? The clean counter really helped for a few days...
Then the stress and drama of my grandparents started to set in. I have always been self conscious of my weight, especially around my grandparents. I have never felt like I've been good enough for them. They both are skinny...and my grandma is always making comments about her weight...I can't imagine the things she says about me. Generally she doesn't say anything to me...but I know her thoughts aren't always positive. For as long as I can remember I've privately binged while my grandparents are around. I wait until they go downstairs, go for a walk, or leave the room before I grab a snack. I did this over spring break. It wasn't way out of control, but it didn't help any progress.
This past week has been filled with eating...Easter, leftovers, birthday celebrations, dinner with friends. I've over indulged all week and I feel like crap for it. Today I did nothing but eat, sleep, and watch tv. Today is my "last day".
Tomorrow I'm starting again. I'm starting with a facebook fast. Healthy eating. Exercise. I've got to meet that goal of 275. I know that I won't meet that by the end of the month...but I need to get a whole lot closer than I am. I plan on updating this more frequently with progress.
Restart.
The first week was spring break. I spent the week at my parents' house. Almost everything they do revolves around food. The first day was a full day of cooking, eating, and spending time with family. We spent a day shopping in Amish country jumping from store to store...candy store...grocery store...cheese store...bakery...cheese store... Are you picking up on all of this?
Early in my break I cleared off the counter in the kitchen. There were chips, crackers, cookies, candy, more chips, dried fruit, chocolate, more crackers, rice krispie treats, etc. on the counter all day long. I wonder why my whole family is so overweight...? The clean counter really helped for a few days...
Then the stress and drama of my grandparents started to set in. I have always been self conscious of my weight, especially around my grandparents. I have never felt like I've been good enough for them. They both are skinny...and my grandma is always making comments about her weight...I can't imagine the things she says about me. Generally she doesn't say anything to me...but I know her thoughts aren't always positive. For as long as I can remember I've privately binged while my grandparents are around. I wait until they go downstairs, go for a walk, or leave the room before I grab a snack. I did this over spring break. It wasn't way out of control, but it didn't help any progress.
This past week has been filled with eating...Easter, leftovers, birthday celebrations, dinner with friends. I've over indulged all week and I feel like crap for it. Today I did nothing but eat, sleep, and watch tv. Today is my "last day".
Tomorrow I'm starting again. I'm starting with a facebook fast. Healthy eating. Exercise. I've got to meet that goal of 275. I know that I won't meet that by the end of the month...but I need to get a whole lot closer than I am. I plan on updating this more frequently with progress.
Restart.
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